Napoleon had Waterloo.
asserted
Napoleon → have → Waterloo
Donald Trump has Reflecting Pool.
asserted
Trump → have → Pool
Heading into Tuesday’s midterms, the pundits wondered what President Dipstick might say in a closing message to voters.
uncertain
Dipstick → head → voters
Will he gaslight about the sputtering economy?
asserted
he → gaslight → economy
Will he warn Democrats are communists who will spike taxes and confiscate AR-15s and cheeseburgers?
asserted
who → warn → AR-15s
Will he rename the moon?
asserted
he → rename → moon
No, Trump mostly wanted to brag about his deranged renos.
asserted
Trump → want → renos
He held a press conference on Monday at the Reflecting Pool, his botched and no-bid revamp that cost taxpayers $16 million and counting.
asserted
that → hold → million
He yammered about algae, pipes, caulking, liners, cracked granite.
asserted
He → yammer → algae
This Home Hardware ad was bizarrely divorced from the pressing concerns of voters.
asserted
ad → divorce → voters
Imagine if your bungalow was engulfed in flames and the firefighter stood on your lawn with visual aids while sermonizing about hot tubs or migratory birds.
asserted
firefighter → imagine → tubs
Election results are not in as I write this on Tuesday afternoon.
asserted
I → write → afternoon
But unless there was a major snafu with polling, that Reflecting Pool is about to morph into a blue tsunami.
asserted
Pool → be → tsunami
Now put on your tinfoil hats: Did this lunatic want his party to drown?
asserted
party → put → hats
If the goal was to maintain Republican control of Congress, wouldn’t Trump have cosplayed as the Invisible Woman and vanished the last few months?
asserted
Trump → maintain → Woman
Shouldn’t Natalie Harp have twirled him in bubble wrap and stashed him in the Treaty Room around Labour Day?
asserted
Harp → twirl → Day
His orange blowfish of a face is an inkblot voters now associate with inflation, with everything that’s gone wrong.
asserted
that → associate → everything
But since malignant narcissism is a powerful narcotic, Trump just couldn’t stay off the campaign trail.
asserted
Trump → stay → trail
He rambled incoherently as Republican candidates stood nearby with grimacing smiles.
asserted
candidates → ramble → smiles
Trump even encouraged voters to “pretend” he was on the ballot, the worst possible mental image if he was serious about saving Republicans.
asserted
he → encourage → Republicans
Pretend the head chef is Jeffrey Dahmer.
asserted
chef → pretend → ?
Let’s see how that lands in Michigan.
asserted
that → let → Michigan
And he hand-picked the worst candidates imaginable.
asserted
he → pick → candidates
Noted pen thief Ken Paxton is so corrupt, his own party impeached him in Texas.
asserted
party → note → Texas
His ex-wife filed for divorce citing “biblical grounds.”
asserted
wife → file → grounds
I don’t know what that means.
asserted
that → know → what
All I know is when Paxton saunters into a room, toddlers bawl and women clutch their purses.
asserted
women → know → purses
James Talarico should send Trump a gift basket if he wins Texas.
asserted
he → send → Texas
Darline Graham seems nice enough.
asserted
Graham → seem → ?
But she knows less about foreign policy than Paris Hilton does about off-the-rack.
asserted
Hilton → know → rack
The final New York Times-Sienna poll before the election contained several gut punches to Republicans who are already curled up in the fetal position.
asserted
who → contain → position
The Senate race is tied in ruby red South Carolina?
asserted
race → tie → Carolina
Democrats have the edge in Michigan, Texas, Maine, Ohio and Kansas, a state that has not elected one of theirs to the Senate since 1932?
asserted
that → have → 1932
I don’t want to overdose on hopium.
asserted
I → want → hopium
But as the Times framed it: “Dissatisfaction with President Trump and frustration over his management of the economy are dragging down Republicans …
asserted
Dissatisfaction → frame → Republicans
Just 38 per cent of likely voters approved of the president’s job performance in the seven states in the poll, a strikingly low figure given that Mr. Trump had won five of the states by double digits just two years ago.”
asserted
Trump → approve → digits
The priest performing last rites on MAGA can use sign language when the time comes.
asserted
time → perform → language
He just needs to shrug and point at a sepia photo of Dear Leader.
asserted
He → need → Leader
Did George Soros secretly pay Trump billions to help the Democrats win the midterms on Tuesday?
asserted
Democrats → pay → Tuesday
If a blue tsunami washes the Republicans out to the Red Sea, where they will spend the next two years bobbing in the chop next to buoys with ground beef and diesel prices, there is only one person to blame.
asserted
they → wash → prices
…and 13 more, not listed.