Big tech is now trying to steal jobs from guard dogs.
asserted
tech → try → dogs
Doesn’t it feel like we are living in a season of “Black Mirror?”
asserted
we → feel → Mirror
Luckily, I didn’t win the $90 million Lotto Max and have amassed no assets a disembodied intelligence would deem worth stealing.
asserted
intelligence → win → assets
But, hey, I’ll look the other way if ChatGPT wants to erase my mortgage.
asserted
ChatGPT → look → mortgage
Another headline: “China’s Unitree Unveils ‘Guardian’ Robot That Can Disarm Attackers, Lift Cars.”
In a promo video released this week, the H2-X Kung Fu Legend: Guardian appears to be an overcaffeinated humanoid with glowing blue eyes that was coded with the spliced DNA of Jackie Chan and Fred Astaire.
asserted
that → unveil → Chan
It jumps.
asserted
It → jump → ?
It twirls.
asserted
It → twirl → ?
It drop kicks.
asserted
It → drop → kicks
It throws hands.
asserted
It → throw → hands
It absolutely frightens.
asserted
It → frighten → ?
In one simulation, a knife-wielding intruder jumps over a wrought iron fence to attack a woman sitting on a patio.
asserted
intruder → wield → patio
Her Guardian runs to confront the assailant.
asserted
Guardian → run → assailant
In another rescue situation, a mannequin is trapped under a car.
asserted
mannequin → trap → car
Guardian hoists up the front end so the “person” can be pulled to safety.
asserted
person → hoist → safety
We are now building robots strong enough to winch up a Subaru.
asserted
We → build → Subaru
One sequence that could have used a creative rethink has Guardian detecting a car speeding toward an unsuspecting pedestrian.
uncertain
Guardian → use → pedestrian
It bolts to save the person, who for some reason is wearing a chef’s hat.
asserted
who → bolt → hat
Arms outstretched, Guardian strikes the chest of Boyardee with savage power.
asserted
Guardian → strike → power
Boyardee goes flying out of frame, likely with cracked ribs and internal bleeding.
asserted
Boyardee → go → ribs
It’s weird to think there are babies on the planet now who may enter adulthood surrounded by robots.
uncertain
who → ’ → robots
They will be married to a robot.
asserted
They → marry → robot
A robot will run their errands.
asserted
robot → run → errands
Their home will be cleaned by a robot.
asserted
home → clean → robot
The sermons in their place of worship will be delivered by a robot.
asserted
sermons → deliver → robot
What’s astonishing about Big Tech is the indifference to what might go wrong.
uncertain
what → ’ → Tech
A multipurpose Guardian sounds great at first.
asserted
Guardian → sound → ?
A Rottweiler can’t shake a martini.
asserted
Rottweiler → shake → martini
You’re sitting on the couch and watching Netflix at 2 a.m. when home invaders kick down the front door.
asserted
invaders → sit → door
You glance at them with bored pity as Guardian cartwheels down the stairs, hangs off the chandelier and then delivers a twirling roundhouse kick to their terrified faces.
asserted
Guardian → glance → faces
Guardian calls 911 and soon robocops are cuffing the moaning perps.
asserted
robocops → call → perps
It’s not clear from the sizzle reel if the H2-X is fully autonomous.
asserted
X → ’ → reel
Is someone in a distant call centre watching through the glowing blue eyes and relaying real-time commands?
asserted
someone → watch → commands
Can your future Guardian be hacked to beat the living daylights out of you before absconding with a rucksack of valuables?
asserted
Guardian → hack → valuables
These are legit questions as robotics moves from mundane tasks to lethal force.
asserted
robotics → move → force
A Roomba can’t inflict injury beyond sliding into your toes.
asserted
Roomba → inflict → toes
A Guardian might mistake a door-to-door marketer as a mortal threat and unleash karate chops to the spleen as the poor bastard screams, “Stop!
uncertain
bastard → mistake → spleen
I work for Bell!
asserted
I → work → Bell
I suffer enough!”
asserted
I → suffer → ?
And what happens when everyone has a Guardian?
asserted
everyone → happen → Guardian
Will neighbourly disputes be settled with robot brawls on front lawns?
asserted
disputes → settle → lawns
…and 16 more, not listed.
The Aporia
