Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler.
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Ask → ask → Eckler
You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.
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You → send → NPadvice@postmedia.com
Dear Rebecca:
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My incredible 16-year-old daughter has turned into a monster.
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daughter → turn → monster
From birth until 14, she was kind, lovable, helpful, understanding and an amazing person.
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she → understand → 14
I’m a single mother, and it’s just the two of us, but we managed to live together peacefully and happily.
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we → ’m → us
I work extremely hard to earn enough to pay the rent, bills and necessities.
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I → work → rent
Two years ago, she called me at work and said she wanted to hurt herself.
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she → call → herself
I took her to the hospital immediately.
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I → take → hospital
After that, she started showing small signs of anger and frustration, but nothing we couldn’t handle.
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we → start → anger
When she’d get upset, she’d come to me, and we’d talk it out.
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we → get → it
But when she needed parenting, I was often too delicate, afraid to upset her and make her depressed again.
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her → need → her
Now she’s constantly sulking around, won’t clean her room, won’t help with chores, won’t talk to me at all, won’t not even say hello.
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she → sulk → me
She refuses to speak to any professional.
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She → refuse → professional
She claims she’s fine, but she’s not.
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she → claim → ?
I’m upset, tired, and frustrated.
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I → ’m → ?
Worst of all, I’m terrified of saying something that will send her over the edge.
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that → ’m → edge
Please tell me this changes — I miss my darling daughter so much.
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I → tell → daughter
— Mother on Eggshells
Dear Mother on Eggshells:
First, I don’t think your daughter is a monster.
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daughter → think → Eggshells
I think she’s 16.
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she → think → ?
And I say that with enormous compassion for anyone living with one right now.
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I → say → one
Sixteen-year-olds are not an easy species to live with.
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olds → live → ?
I should also say the obvious but important thing.
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I → say → thing
I’m an advice columnist, not a mental-health professional.
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I → ’m → ?
If at any point you believe your daughter is in immediate danger of harming herself, call 911 or get her to the nearest ER.
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daughter → believe → ER
There are few things more upsetting than having a child who once demanded you hug her while she did #2 suddenly behave as if your chewing is an irritating habit you’ve developed just to annoy her.
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you → be → her
But something more complicated is happening here.
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something → happen → ?
It started with the phone call no parent ever wants to receive.
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parent → start → call
Your 14-year-old daughter called you at work and told you she wanted to hurt herself.
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she → call → herself
Of course you took her seriously and rushed her to the hospital.
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you → take → hospital
But I think you brought something home with you that day, too.
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you → think → you
Once your child tells you something like that, it changes the way you hear every slammed door, every silence and every just leave me alone.
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you → tell → me
For the last two years, you haven’t just been parenting a teenager.
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you → parent → teenager
You’ve been parenting one while carrying around the terrifying knowledge that she had once been in enough pain to consider hurting herself.
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she → parent → herself
Somewhere along the way, fear turned into a family dynamic in which your daughter’s unhappiness became something you feel responsible for preventing.
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you → turn → which
You are responsible for taking her mental health seriously and paying attention.
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You → take → attention
But you are not responsible for making sure your 16-year-old is never angry, frustrated, disappointed or pissed off at her mother.
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is → make → mother
The first deserves compassion.
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first → deserve → compassion
The second requires boundaries.
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second → require → boundaries
Sulking is behaviour.
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Sulking → sulk → ?
Refusing chores is behaviour.
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Refusing → refuse → chores
…and 43 more, not listed.
The Aporia
