Columnist Rebecca Eckler responds to a reader who has been engaged twice but never married, wondering if she's too picky or afraid of commitment. Eckler reassures the reader that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to finding love and settling down, and that having multiple attempts at marriage is not uncommon. According to Eckler, more than 9 million Americans have been married three times, and a quarter of Canadians between 35 and 64 are in subsequent marriages or common-law relationships. Eckler, who was 49 when she finally got married after a long string of relationships, argues that people should be allowed multiple chances at finding their "forever person."
Written by the local model on 2026-09-08,
using this article's own text rather than the other coverage of the
same event (that is the story summary below).
Story summary
A woman in her 40s has been engaged twice but never married, despite thinking she wanted to settle down. She attributes her hesitation to not being raised with a strong idea of marriage as a positive institution and having a lack of good examples of happy marriages in her life. Some people have blamed her for the failed engagements, suggesting she's too picky or afraid of commitment, but she questions whether this is really the issue. She's wondering if she genuinely wants to get married, despite previously saying yes to two fiancés. She notes that she thinks she loved both men, but something made her change her mind each time.
Written for “Marriage Expectations vs Reality” on 2026-09-08,
grounded in this article and the 0 other(s) covering the same event.
Why this leaning score
This article does not take a side on a contested political
question, so it has no leaning score. That is an
answer rather than a gap: a match report or a rescue can be warmly
or critically written without being left or right, and scoring it
anyway is how approval of a subject gets recorded as a political
position.
No political leaning scored for article 7050 · logged 2026-09-08
We independently select everything we recommend.
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we → select → everything
Buying through us may earn us a commission, which supports our work.
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which → buy → work
Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler.
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Ask → ask → Eckler
You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.
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You → send → NPadvice@postmedia.com
I’m in my mid-40s and I’ve been engaged twice but never married.
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I → ’m → mid-40s
For a long time, I thought I just wasn’t the marrying kind.
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I → think → time
Maybe I’m not.
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I → ’m → ?
But the truth is, I do want to get married and settle down.
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I → want → ?
Some people blame me for the fact that neither engagement worked out.
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engagement → blame → fact
They think I’m too picky or afraid of commitment.
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I → think → commitment
After two failed engagements, sometimes I wonder if they’re right.
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they → fail → engagements
I also wasn’t raised to see marriage as this great thing everyone should want.
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everyone → raise → thing
I never really saw the benefits of it or had a good example of what a happy marriage looks like.
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marriage → see → what
I thought I was in love with both of my former fiancés.
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I → think → fiancés
I said yes to marrying them.
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I → say → them
But obviously something made me change my mind.
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me → make → mind
People always say, “When you know, you know.”
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you → say → ?
Well, I thought I knew — twice.
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I → think → ?
I have no problem meeting people, and I don’t want to keep walking away from good men because I’m waiting for some huge feeling that may never come.
uncertain
that → have → feeling
But I also don’t want to marry someone just because I’m in my 40s and feel like I should.
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I → want → 40s
So, how do you actually know when you’re in love enough to settle down with someone?
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you → know → someone
You found love later in life — do you really just know?
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you → find → life
— How Do You Know?
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You → know → ?
Dear How Do You Know:
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You → know → ?
I didn’t know there was a “marrying kind.”
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I → know → ?
With a section asking whether you can spend the next 40 years arguing over the room temperature?
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you → ask → temperature
You want to get married.
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You → want → ?
That makes you the marrying kind.
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you → make → ?
You just haven’t married anyone yet.
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You → marry → anyone
I recently read that more than nine million Americans have been married at least three times.
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Americans → read → ?
More than a quarter of coupled Canadians between 35 and 64 are in subsequent marriages or common-law relationships.
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quarter → couple → marriages
So, millions are allowed multiple attempts at finding their person.
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millions → allow → person
Yet, a woman in her 40s who has never been married is treated as if that is a personality trait.
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that → marry → 40s
I happen to believe there is someone for everyone.
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I → happen → everyone
I also don’t believe you just get one shot.
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you → believe → shot
I believe there are people who fit us in a way other people don’t.
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people → believe → way
Some people meet their forever person in high school.
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people → meet → school
Some meet them at 43.
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Some → meet → 43
Some marry the wrong person at 23 and meet the right one at 53.
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Some → marry → 53
I was 49 when I married after a rather impressive run of relationships suggesting I absolutely should never get married.
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I → marry → relationships
…and 30 more, not listed.
