Our 24-year-old daughter, “Becca,” and her 26-year-old boyfriend, “Jason,” (the father of our 7-year-old granddaughter) recently bought a home.
asserted
daughter → buy → home
Jason works only part time — if he works at all — and has no interest in a full-time job.
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he → work → job
One issue, however, really weighs heavily on our minds.
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issue → weigh → minds
Whenever we pick up our granddaughter (which we do quite often) we are almost knocked over by the smell of marijuana in their home.
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we → pick → home
My husband and I have voiced our concerns about this more than once, to no avail.
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husband → voice → avail
Our other children have mentioned the strong odor in her home as well.
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children → mention → home
My husband and I can’t stand the thought of our granddaughter living in that environment, but we don’t know what we should do about it.
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we → stand → it
Abby, what do you advise?
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you → advise → what
— WORRIED ABOUT THE WEED IN INDIANA
DEAR WORRIED: You and your husband should continue having a serious conversation with your daughter about this.
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You → continue → this
Tell her you smell a strong marijuana odor when you pick your granddaughter up, and that you are worried about her inhaling the smoke, because it’s unhealthy for children.
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it → tell → children
Perhaps she and her boyfriend can choose to smoke outside their house when they feel the need to get high.
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they → choose → need
Inform them that if the child ever inhales enough secondhand smoke to test positive for THC, there could be serious legal repercussions (beyond the fact that — as you probably know — cannabis use is still illegal in Indiana).
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use → inform → Indiana
My husband, who is 86, has an indirect communication style.
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who → have → style
He’ll say something like, “I need to do some pruning on the climbing rose, but it’s too high for me to reach.”
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me → say → rose
I ask specific questions to determine what exactly, if anything, he wants me to do, but his responses are often vague.
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responses → ask → what
An example: I will ask, “Are you asking me to set up the ladder for you?” to which he might reply, “I can’t reach the top of the roses.
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I → ask → roses
No matter how many questions I ask, he resists giving me a direct answer.
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he → ask → answer
This frustrates me, and it frustrates him that I don’t get his meaning instantly.
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I → frustrate → meaning
Is there anything I can do to cut to the chase so I’ll know what he’s asking me to do?
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he → do → me
I’m happy to help him; I just want to know what he wants without the interrogation.
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he → ’m → interrogation
What you have described is normal in households or regions (including East and Southeast Asia and parts of Europe) where people are taught to prioritize the comfort of others.
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people → describe → others
In those cultures, it’s considered rude and aggressive to make a direct request, even of a loved one.
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it → consider → one
Because he may have learned these values from his parents, know that this may be a lifelong habit that would be hard for him to break.
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him → learn → parents
If you ask him directly to change his ways, he may regard that as overbearing.
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he → ask → that
Fortunately, you seem to have mostly cracked the code.
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you → seem → code
You know his offhand remarks are actually requests, so do your best to help in ways that make sense to you.
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that → know → you
If you sometimes don’t deliver exactly what he’s looking for, it’s up to him to clarify.
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it → deliver → him
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren.
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Abby → write → Buren
For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips.
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which → pen → mother
The Aporia
