If only George Santos and Bill Simmons had my parents, they wouldn’t be facing down a hailstorm of condemnation for circumventing the basic rules and regulations of dubious “prediction markets” and online gambling.
asserted
they → have → markets
Kalshi just banned the former congressman George Santos from its service and he was forced to pay back his winnings after he was accused of the dumb person’s version of insider trading.
asserted
he → ban → trading
He bet on himself to not attend the State of the Union address, then conveniently didn’t go.
asserted
He → bet → address
For his trouble, he won (and will be forced to relinquish) more than $17,000; he’ll also have to pay more than $80,000 in total fines from Kalshi and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.
asserted
he → win → Kalshi
Bill Simmons, the sports commentator, podcast host, and founder of The Ringer, had a different story.
asserted
Simmons → have → story
While prediction markets are federally legal because they’re considered financial exchange services and not gambling, FanDuel’s gambling application, called Sportsbook, and other sports-adjacent services are legal in some states and not others.
asserted
application → consider → states
Sportsbook is illegal in California, which is inconvenient for anyone who spends most of their time worried about such intellectual pursuits as “the spread”, “the line”, and “the juice”.
asserted
who → spend → spread
Contrary to what you might be thinking, those are real gambling terms, not nicknames for pro wrestlers.
uncertain
those → think → wrestlers
Anyway, ol’ Billy Boy, who lives in California, couldn’t contain the action burbling up inside of himself, so he had his daughter’s boyfriend bet for him from Massachusetts, a state where FanDuel sports betting is legal.
asserted
betting → live → Massachusetts
All the boyfriend had to do was log in to Bill’s FanDuel account from Massachusetts and make the most epic parlay known to man.
asserted
boyfriend → have → man
Folks, he got away with it!
asserted
he → get → it
Until Simmons decided to admit to the wrongdoing on his podcast, cooing romantically about how clever he was, like a Bond villain aiming a laser at 007’s crotch.
asserted
villain → decide → crotch
“I get the code to make sure it’s me to my phone; I give him the code, he logs in,” Simmons said in a podcast episode last Sunday.
asserted
Simmons → get → episode
“And I have all this money that I had from last year because I actually hit a bunch of futures last year.
asserted
I → have → futures
And he’s putting in bets for me.”
asserted
he → put → me
Almost immediately, listeners took to social media to announce that the Sports Guy had admitted, on a live microphone, to violating not only FanDuel’s terms and conditions, but potentially also Massachusetts Gaming Commission regulations.
asserted
Guy → take → terms
Although Simmons claims he didn’t realize proxy betting was illegal in the state, these infractions come with penalties ranging from a small fine to the loss of gambling privileges in Massachusetts.
uncertain
infractions → claim → Massachusetts
The latter sounds especially grim for Simmons, as the last thing anyone wants is for him to have to develop a hobby.
asserted
him → sound → hobby
If only someone had explained to these two famous individuals that gambling is a sordid, dirty activity, they could have avoided all this drama.
uncertain
they → explain → drama
But alas, my saintly parents only had time in their schedule to raise me.
asserted
parents → have → me
And boy, did my parents hate gambling.
asserted
parents → hate → gambling
When I was a callow young lad – preoccupied with sucking my thumb or trying to suss out if Sesame Street was a transit-accessible neighborhood – my parents made sure to instill real, American values into my psyche.
asserted
parents → preoccupy → psyche
To be honest, to be kind, to celebrate 39-cent burrito day at Taco Bell like it was the holiest holiday on the calendar.
asserted
it → celebrate → calendar
Most importantly, they told me not to gamble.
asserted
they → tell → me
Gambling can be deeply addictive, can lead to obsessive behavior, and can bankrupt a person.
asserted
Gambling → lead → person
The World Health Organization lists some of the deleterious effects of gambling – stress, lack of self-control, and financial insecurity.
asserted
Organization → list → control
I’d hear about this stuff all the time as a kid, coloring my perspective on gambling for years.
asserted
I → hear → years
Card games, roulette, sports betting, and the like were just not allowed in my household.
asserted
games → allow → household
At most, my mother – lost in a reverie about her own mom’s gambling habits – would nostalgically purchase a Lotto Scratcher from the 7-11 down the street as a most illicit treat.
asserted
mother → lose → treat
She never won, which was just a reminder to me to keep my money away from such frivolous activities.
asserted
which → win → activities
I was told to save my earnings, be smart with my spending, and not to waste time on what amounts to jumping out a plane, DB Cooper-style, with a bag of cash and no parachute.
asserted
what → tell → cash
It was an activity relegated to dirty, sinful places such as Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and the alley behind the liquor store.
asserted
It → relegate → store
But in other countries, like the UK, gambling has long been a legitimate big business – worth billions in revenue, with high street betting and online casinos advertised everywhere.
asserted
gambling → advertise → betting
America’s puritanical legacy meant gambling had to be sequestered and treated like a filthy habit to satisfy our moral outrage.
asserted
gambling → mean → outrage
Those days are done.
asserted
days → do → ?
Through innovations in mobile phone technology, insidious branding (“prediction markets”, “daily fantasy” and other mouthfuls of marketing nonsense), and our collective exhaustion from all the other things to be mad about, America collectively shrugged its shoulders as gambling became our true national pastime.
asserted
gambling → shrug → shoulders
Polymarket, which allows users to bet on mundane yes-or-no questions regarding the color of a celebrity’s tie or the eventual outcome of the bloody conflicts in the Middle East, is considered to be worth more than $20bn in the wake of investments from Donald Trump’s son Don Jr.
How is this all legal?
asserted
this → allow → son
Well, as I mentioned, prediction markets are not considered gambling.
asserted
markets → mention → ?
FanDuel and its main rival, DraftKings, gained an initial foothold in the US thanks to a legal loophole.
asserted
FanDuel → gain → loophole
You see, fantasy sports games are considered a game of “skill” rather than the blind guessing of sportsbook betting.
asserted
games → see → betting
…and 18 more, not listed.
The Aporia
