When Iza Thiago-Munoz brought her first baby home, she instituted a rule: She was the only person allowed to carry the baby upstairs.
asserted
She → bring → baby
At the time, she lived in a narrow Philadelphia rowhouse with a steep staircase.
asserted
she → live → staircase
If anyone else—including her husband—wanted to take the baby up, they had to buckle the infant into a car seat first.
asserted
they → include → seat
Her husband occasionally tried to reason with her.
asserted
husband → try → her
He could hold the baby tightly, he pointed out.
uncertain
he → hold → baby
“But what if you fall down the stairs?” she would reply.
asserted
she → fall → stairs
She didn’t know it at the time, but Thiago-Munoz was struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety, which amplified her lifelong tendency to imagine the worst-case scenario.
asserted
which → know → scenario
She also felt enormous pressure to be a perfect mother.
asserted
She → feel → ?
“I thought I had to do everything,” she says.
asserted
she → think → everything
Otherwise, she worried, “people would just think that I wasn’t good enough.”
asserted
I → worry → ?
Asking for help felt like admitting that they were right.
asserted
they → ask → help
Her work is informed by what she experienced after giving birth—and by what she wishes the people around her had understood.
asserted
people → inform → her
“I just didn’t feel joy in anything,” she says.
asserted
she → feel → anything
“I felt like I was supposed to be happy because, wow, this major thing just happened.
asserted
thing → feel → ?
Supporting someone with postpartum depression starts with knowing how it can show up, even when it doesn’t match the image you have in your head.
asserted
you → support → head
Know the difference between “baby blues” and postpartum depression
Both the “baby blues” and postpartum depression can cause sadness, tearfulness, irritability, and feeling overwhelmed after giving birth, says Dr. Kelli Burroughs, an ob-gyn and vice chair of clinical affairs and patient experience at the University of Texas Medical School in Houston.
asserted
Burroughs → know → Houston
But the baby blues are generally mild, begin within the first week after delivery, and improve within about two weeks.
asserted
blues → begin → weeks
Postpartum depression lasts longer and interferes more significantly with daily life.
asserted
depression → last → life
Signs can include a persistently depressed mood; losing interest in things that usually bring joy; withdrawing from other people; difficulty eating, concentrating, or sleeping even when the baby is asleep; extreme fatigue; and feeling disconnected from the baby.
asserted
baby → include → baby
Postpartum depression can also begin months after giving birth—not only during those first blurry weeks at home.
asserted
depression → begin → home
It doesn’t always look the way people expect, either.
asserted
people → look → ?
Sometimes, the moms who are suffering the most appear to have everything under control, says Jayme Scarfo, a licensed professional counselor in Surprise, Ariz., who specializes in working with pregnant and postpartum women.
asserted
who → suffer → women
They’re showering, cooking, going to the gym, and insisting: “It’s hard, but don’t worry.
asserted
It → shower → gym
I’ve got it.”
asserted
I → get → it
You don’t need to decide whether someone meets the diagnostic criteria before checking in.
asserted
someone → need → criteria
Describe what you’ve noticed without labeling her, Scarfo suggests: “I know this is a huge adjustment, and you haven’t seemed like yourself lately.
uncertain
you → describe → yourself
How are you really doing?”
asserted
you → do → ?
Or: “You seem much more anxious than usual, and I’m worried about you.
asserted
I → seem → you
Can we talk about it?”
asserted
we → talk → it
Consider who should initiate that conversation, too.
asserted
who → consider → conversation
“The best person to ask those hard questions is often going to be whoever she feels the least pressure to perform for,” Scarfo says.
asserted
Scarfo → ask → whoever
Burroughs also likes asking questions that are harder to brush off with a reflexive “I’m fine.”
asserted
I → like → ’m
For example: “Are you having more good days or bad days?”
asserted
you → have → days
It’s also helpful to ask when she last slept for more than two hours or ate a real meal sitting down.
asserted
she → ’ → meal
Those answers can help you understand where she’s struggling—and how you might lighten the load.
uncertain
you → help → load
Don’t argue with how she feels
When someone declares they’re a “terrible mother,” your instinct might be to disagree.
uncertain
instinct → argue → ?
Of course you’re not!
asserted
you → ’re → ?
You’re doing an amazing job.
asserted
You → do → job
But depression and anxiety symptoms can start to feel like part of someone’s identity, says Emma Basch, a clinical psychologist in Washington who specializes in perinatal mental health.
asserted
who → start → health
Trying to prove her wrong might leave her feeling even more misunderstood.
uncertain
her → try → her
…and 54 more, not listed.
The Aporia
