Have you ever left work at 5 p.m., only for a colleague to not-so-sweetly ask, “Going home already?”
asserted
colleague → leave → p.m.
The two halves of the very phrase “passive-aggressive” spell out the familiar dynamic, says Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has studied how people express conflict at work.
asserted
people → spell → work
Someone is expressing opposition or anger—the aggressive part—but doing so indirectly.
asserted
Someone → express → opposition
The words leave room for an innocent interpretation.
asserted
words → leave → interpretation
That ambiguity puts you in an awkward position: Do you respond to what was said or what you think the other person meant—or give in to the urge to snip right back?
asserted
person → put → urge
We asked experts what to say when someone seems to be taking a dig at you but won’t quite say what they mean.
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they → ask → what
Why people default to passive-aggressive communication
Sometimes it feels safer to hint at a feeling than to say it directly.
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it → default → it
Admitting you feel some sort of way calls for a kind of vulnerability that a sarcastic remark does not.
asserted
remark → admit → vulnerability
“Some people just haven’t learned how to say or don’t feel comfortable saying, ‘I’m hurt.
asserted
I → learn → ?
You hurt my feelings,’” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York City.
asserted
Gluck → hurt → City
If you grew up around people who rarely said what they meant, the indirect approach might even feel normal.
uncertain
approach → grow → what
In research on romantic relationships, Levi R. Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found that people sometimes express displeasure indirectly because they’re unsure how much their partner cares.
asserted
partner → find → displeasure
“People are really doing this to kind of test their partner,” he says.
asserted
he → do → partner
They’re signaling, “I’m upset with you, I’ve got some hurt feelings,” then waiting to see whether their partner notices and tries to find out what’s wrong.
asserted
what → signal → feelings
Underneath it all, Baker says, they may be wondering: “Do they care about me?
uncertain
they → say → me
Do they value me?”
asserted
they → value → me
Still, understanding where a comment might come from doesn’t make it feel any better to hear.
uncertain
it → understand → where
It can leave you wondering whether you’ve been insulted—and how to answer an accusation the other person never quite made.
asserted
person → leave → accusation
How to respond to a passive-aggressive comment
Weingart’s advice is to make your response “more direct and less intense” than the comment you just heard.
asserted
you → respond → comment
If someone says, “Must be nice to have that much free time,” Brook McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas who often helps families work through indirect communication and resentment, suggests responding: “I’m not sure how you meant that.
uncertain
you → say → that
Can you say it another way?”
asserted
you → say → it
Another option: “It sounds like there might be something you want to say to me directly.
uncertain
you → sound → me
may be tempting, McKenzie says, but you’ll likely end up arguing about their tone instead of whatever is actually bothering them.
uncertain
whatever → say → them
Returning the sarcasm tends to cause the same problem, with two people annoyed instead of one.
asserted
people → return → problem
If you’re talking to someone you’re especially close to, Gluck suggests a gentle opening: “I feel like something’s off.
uncertain
something → talk → opening
Do you want to talk about it?”
asserted
you → want → it
That lets them tell you what’s wrong without requiring you to guess.
asserted
what → let → you
If they say everything’s fine, you can take them at their word for the time being.
asserted
you → say → time
“It’s not our job to become the feelings detective,” Gluck says.
asserted
Gluck → ’ → ?
If you have a good idea of what's underneath the comment, you can acknowledge that, too.
asserted
you → have → that
Say your partner responds to your plans with friends by remarking that you certainly have time for everyone else.
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you → say → everyone
Baker suggests reassuring them that you want to spend time together and proposing a plan: “I’m going out tonight, but I’d really like to have dinner with you tomorrow.
uncertain
I → reassure → you
You don’t need to cancel your plans to show that you care.
asserted
you → need → plans
At work, clarity may serve you better than a conversation about feelings.
uncertain
clarity → serve → feelings
If your boss says, “Leaving already?” when your workday is over, Weingart suggests asking: “Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?”
uncertain
I → say → ?
A coworker’s jab may warrant even less: “Yep, the workday’s over.
uncertain
workday → warrant → less
Either response avoids assuming you know what the other person meant.
asserted
person → avoid → what
If a friend makes one out-of-character comment on a rough day, Gluck says, you can let it pass.
asserted
it → make → day
If it keeps happening, that’s a different conversation.
asserted
that → keep → ?
What to do when someone is repeatedly passive-aggressive
A pattern deserves a more direct approach.
asserted
pattern → deserve → approach
…and 13 more, not listed.
The Aporia
