I don’t expect anything of my friends that I don’t expect of myself.
asserted
I → expect → myself
But lately, I’ve found myself disproportionately annoyed by tiny breaches of friendship etiquette.
asserted
myself → find → etiquette
If I ask a friend to dinner and they say they’re busy without suggesting another date, I feel slighted.
asserted
I → ask → date
If I introduce two friends and they start hanging out without me, I wonder why neither thought to include me.
asserted
neither → introduce → me
Then I wonder: am I holding my friends to an outdated social code?
asserted
I → wonder → code
Today, it is common to say “let’s catch up soon” without making plans, leave invitations unanswered, and allow one person to become the permanent initiator.
asserted
person → say → invitations
My theory: Technology lets us remain constantly in touch while making the obligations of friendship increasingly ambiguous.
asserted
obligations → let → friendship
When you think about it, an invitation is more than a logistical question, says Dr. Jeff Katzman, a psychiatrist at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Conn., who extensively studies human relationships.
asserted
who → think → relationships
It’s a small relational bid: something close to, “I’d like to spend time with you.
asserted
I → ’ → you
Would you like to spend time with me?”
asserted
you → like → me
When that second part is missing, we’re left with ambiguity, and we fill in the blanks.
asserted
we → miss → blanks
“From an attachment perspective, we’re continually looking for signals about whether the people we care about are available and responsive,” says Katzman.
asserted
Katzman → look → signals
“When I reach toward you, is somebody there?
asserted
somebody → reach → you
We also bring our own histories to these moments.”
asserted
We → bring → moments
Someone who has experienced rejection or exclusion may experience the same unanswered invitation quite differently from someone who has generally experienced other people as reliable.
uncertain
who → experience → people
Katzman points out that we do our best to infer other people’s minds from very small pieces of behavior.
asserted
we → point → behavior
“A text goes unanswered, and the human mind is remarkably good at writing the rest of the story: ‘She doesn't really care about me.
asserted
She → go → me
He doesn’t want to see me.
asserted
He → want → me
I’m always the one who tries,’” he explains.
asserted
he → ’m → ?
I have lost a lot of sleep about the idea of social hygiene and the small acts of reciprocity that keep friendships healthy.
asserted
that → lose → friendships
I was quite surprised when two of my friends in Lisbon reached out to me on the exact same day when I had said to them separately a few months ago that I might be visiting Lisbon for work on that date.
uncertain
I → reach → date
The fact that both of them remembered the exact date and reached out to check if I’m in Portugal is a great example of good social hygiene.
asserted
I → remember → hygiene
Whenever I make new friends now, I pay close attention.
asserted
I → make → attention
Do they regularly cancel plans at the last minute?
asserted
they → cancel → minute
Do they have the capacity for investing in a friendship and take on the logistical requirements of keeping an adult friendship alive?
asserted
they → have → friendship
It takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple friend status, and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend, according to a report published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
uncertain
someone → take → Journal
Getting to know someone takes a real commitment of time.
asserted
Getting → get → time
I also think about rejection and what we reasonably owe our friends.
asserted
we → think → friends
“Reciprocity is extremely important, but I don't think reciprocity means symmetry,” says Katzman.
asserted
Katzman → think → symmetry
Healthy friends don’t need to keep score.
asserted
friends → need → score
“I think of friendship a little like improvisational theater.”
asserted
I → think → theater
One person makes an offer, and the other person receives it and makes an offer back.
asserted
person → make → offer
The contributions don’t have to be identical.
asserted
contributions → have → ?
They’re building a scene together.
asserted
They → build → scene
One person might initiate more dinners; another might get curious a little more reliably.
uncertain
another → initiate → dinners
And at different stages of life—parenting, illness, caregiving, grief, work pressures—one person may carry more of the relationship for a while.
uncertain
person → carry → while
In good improvisation, both people help create the scene.
asserted
people → help → scene
We don’t have to say “Yes” to Tuesday night, but somehow, over time, we need to say “Yes” to the relationship.
asserted
we → have → relationship
And it’s best if we can let our friends know that, in some way.
asserted
friends → ’ → way
“A useful question might be: if I stopped doing all the work of maintaining this friendship, would a friendship still exist?,” asks Dr. Katzman.
uncertain
Katzman → stop → friendship
…and 11 more, not listed.
The Aporia
