A first-person essay reflects on why modern friendships are becoming increasingly difficult to navigate due to ambiguous social cues and obligations. The author notes that technology allows for constant contact, but often leaves invitations unanswered or with no clear expectation of follow-up. According to Dr. Jeff Katzman, a psychiatrist who studies human relationships, this ambiguity can lead to feelings of rejection or exclusion, as people try to infer others' intentions from small behaviors. A study cited in the article suggests that building close friendships requires a significant time commitment, taking over 200 hours of shared experiences before someone can be considered a close friend.
Written by the local model on 2026-08-28,
using this article's own text rather than the other coverage of the
same event (that is the story summary below).
I don’t expect anything of my friends that I don’t expect of myself.
asserted
I → expect → myself
But lately, I’ve found myself disproportionately annoyed by tiny breaches of friendship etiquette.
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myself → find → etiquette
If I ask a friend to dinner and they say they’re busy without suggesting another date, I feel slighted.
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I → ask → date
If I introduce two friends and they start hanging out without me, I wonder why neither thought to include me.
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neither → introduce → me
Then I wonder: am I holding my friends to an outdated social code?
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I → wonder → code
Today, it is common to say “let’s catch up soon” without making plans, leave invitations unanswered, and allow one person to become the permanent initiator.
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person → say → invitations
My theory: Technology lets us remain constantly in touch while making the obligations of friendship increasingly ambiguous.
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obligations → let → friendship
When you think about it, an invitation is more than a logistical question, says Dr. Jeff Katzman, a psychiatrist at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Conn., who extensively studies human relationships.
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who → think → relationships
It’s a small relational bid: something close to, “I’d like to spend time with you.
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I → ’ → you
Would you like to spend time with me?”
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you → like → me
When that second part is missing, we’re left with ambiguity, and we fill in the blanks.
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we → miss → blanks
“From an attachment perspective, we’re continually looking for signals about whether the people we care about are available and responsive,” says Katzman.
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Katzman → look → signals
“When I reach toward you, is somebody there?
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somebody → reach → you
We also bring our own histories to these moments.”
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We → bring → moments
Someone who has experienced rejection or exclusion may experience the same unanswered invitation quite differently from someone who has generally experienced other people as reliable.
uncertain
who → experience → people
Katzman points out that we do our best to infer other people’s minds from very small pieces of behavior.
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we → point → behavior
“A text goes unanswered, and the human mind is remarkably good at writing the rest of the story: ‘She doesn't really care about me.
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She → go → me
He doesn’t want to see me.
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He → want → me
I’m always the one who tries,’” he explains.
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he → ’m → ?
I have lost a lot of sleep about the idea of social hygiene and the small acts of reciprocity that keep friendships healthy.
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that → lose → friendships
I was quite surprised when two of my friends in Lisbon reached out to me on the exact same day when I had said to them separately a few months ago that I might be visiting Lisbon for work on that date.
uncertain
I → reach → date
The fact that both of them remembered the exact date and reached out to check if I’m in Portugal is a great example of good social hygiene.
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I → remember → hygiene
Whenever I make new friends now, I pay close attention.
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I → make → attention
Do they regularly cancel plans at the last minute?
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they → cancel → minute
Do they have the capacity for investing in a friendship and take on the logistical requirements of keeping an adult friendship alive?
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they → have → friendship
It takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple friend status, and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend, according to a report published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
uncertain
someone → take → Journal
Getting to know someone takes a real commitment of time.
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Getting → get → time
I also think about rejection and what we reasonably owe our friends.
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we → think → friends
“Reciprocity is extremely important, but I don't think reciprocity means symmetry,” says Katzman.
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Katzman → think → symmetry
Healthy friends don’t need to keep score.
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friends → need → score
“I think of friendship a little like improvisational theater.”
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I → think → theater
One person makes an offer, and the other person receives it and makes an offer back.
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person → make → offer
The contributions don’t have to be identical.
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contributions → have → ?
They’re building a scene together.
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They → build → scene
One person might initiate more dinners; another might get curious a little more reliably.
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another → initiate → dinners
And at different stages of life—parenting, illness, caregiving, grief, work pressures—one person may carry more of the relationship for a while.
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person → carry → while
In good improvisation, both people help create the scene.
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people → help → scene
We don’t have to say “Yes” to Tuesday night, but somehow, over time, we need to say “Yes” to the relationship.
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we → have → relationship
And it’s best if we can let our friends know that, in some way.
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friends → ’ → way
“A useful question might be: if I stopped doing all the work of maintaining this friendship, would a friendship still exist?,” asks Dr. Katzman.
uncertain
Katzman → stop → friendship
…and 11 more, not listed.
