Lassitude lapped at Westminster’s doors.
asserted
Lassitude → lap → doors
Little else stirred.
asserted
Little → stir → ?
John Healey was on his hooves for the greatest moment of his life and it had all the dramatic bite of cotton wool.
asserted
it → have → wool
Labour MPs gazed at their mobile telephones, rubbed their ears or, in the case of Gerald Jones (Merthyr Tydfil), sat like rigid Buddhas.
asserted
MPs → gaze → Buddhas
Richard Baker (Glenrothes & Mid Fife) leaned back, eyes closed, pointing his head to the ceiling.
asserted
eyes → lean → ceiling
He yawned, terribly, chewing the air as if it were a slice of watermelon.
asserted
it → yawn → watermelon
This Budget had all the cha-cha-cha of siesta hour in some bluebottle-blown Mexican border town.
asserted
Budget → blow → town
Hombre Healey’s a snoozer.
asserted
Healey → ’ → ?
As Kemi Badenoch would later put it in a scouring, destructive response: ‘Is that it?
asserted
that → put → response
The prime minister came in promising an end to neoliberalism and instead we got 4p off gherkins!’
asserted
we → come → gherkins
Andy Burnham reacted to this by swivelling his left slip-on shoe.
asserted
Burnham → react → shoe
You could have made mayonnaise with that foot.
uncertain
You → make → foot
Mr Healey, with a little swagger of satisfaction, rose to speak at 12.32pm.
asserted
Healey → rise → 12.32pm
She didn’t last long, scarpering after ten minutes.
asserted
She → last → minutes
Sir Desmond Swayne (Con, New Forest W) was the only man to have dressed properly in tails and spongebag trousers, although Chris Law (SNP, Dundee C) was in a snazzy blue-and-red checked suit.
asserted
Law → dress → suit
Speaker Hoyle took his leave, as is the custom, and his deputy, Nusrat Ghani, slipped into the chair.
asserted
deputy → take → chair
On a day when the chamber was catatonic with boredom, Ms Ghani should have had little to do; and yet she made numerous, trilling calls for order.
asserted
she → have → order
She was either trying to keep herself awake or itching to be noticed.
asserted
She → try → herself
Quentin Letts says Mr Healey made numerous verbal slips.
asserted
Healey → say → slips
You wouldn’t ask him to read the shipping forecast
This Budget had all the cha-cha-cha of siesta hour in some bluebottle-blown Mexican border town, writes Quentin Letts
Mr Healey made numerous verbal slips.
asserted
Healey → ask → slips
You wouldn’t ask him to read the shipping forecast.
asserted
You → ask → forecast
When talking about the Jackdaw gas field he managed to say: ‘Last week my Rt Hon Friend the Energy Secretary opposed it...er, approved it.’
asserted
Friend → talk → it
This error drew a hearty laugh from several sides because it is widely believed eco-loon Energy Secretary Miatta Fahnbulleh was furious about being made to approve the gas drilling.
asserted
Fahnbulleh → draw → drilling
Ms Fahnbulleh, from her front bench perch, shot the Chancellor a dirty look.
asserted
Fahnbulleh → shoot → look
He was behaving with his habitual oddness, sucking his teeth, bulging his eyes, doing things with his anglepoise fingers and generally acting the goat.
asserted
He → behave → goat
Then Mr Healey made a little joke about how some economic forecasts had been ‘about as accurate as predictions as to who was going to be Chancellor’.
asserted
who → make → predictions
Mr Miliband and Wes Streeting, who are both said to have itched to be Chancellor, guffawed just a little too hard at this crack.
asserted
who → say → crack
Another wonderful joke was when he praised his predecessor, Rachel Reeves, and said she had restored fiscal probity to the kingdom.
asserted
she → praise → kingdom
It was several seconds before the House stopped laughing.
asserted
House → stop → ?
Most of the time was filled by the soft thrum of Mr Healey’s tentative, inoffensive voice.
asserted
Most → fill → voice
He little varied his pace or tone.
asserted
He → vary → pace
The occasional giveaway, such as the £100 for energy bills, was done without dramatic flourish.
asserted
giveaway → do → flourish
It just sidled out of the right of his mouth.
asserted
It → sidle → mouth
On the benches behind him, Labour MPs found their attention wandering.
asserted
attention → find → him
In one brief passage I noticed nine on their mobiles: Dawn Butler, Helena Dollimore, Luke Charters, Mike Reader, Paulette Hamilton, Claire Hazelgrove, Mohammad Yasin, Torcuil Crichton and, behind the Speaker’s Chair, a crumpled Stephen Doughty.
asserted
I → notice → Chair
Junior Treasury ministers sat behind the Cabinet.
asserted
ministers → sit → Cabinet
Here, stiff-backed, sat Torsten Bell, self-styled intellectual powerhouse, Left-wing London’s very own Nostradamus.
asserted
Bell → sit → ?
While other Labour MPs sat in languour, Mr Bell was rapt, twitchy, prickling with pride.
asserted
Bell → sit → pride
He twiddled his thumbs at high speed.
asserted
He → twiddle → speed
But then Mr Healey, in another inspired goof, mangled the name of the Labour constituency of Aldershot.
asserted
Healey → mangle → Aldershot
…and 2 more, not listed.
The Aporia
