The day began with terrific news for gherkin-eaters.
asserted
day → begin → eaters
Jonathan Reynolds, Trade Secretary, disclosed that the Government would ease tariffs on baked beans, chocolate and... gherkins.
asserted
Government → disclose → beans
This was going to save us some 40p a week, although that figure may rise or fall depending on how many gherkins you can push down your gullet.
uncertain
you → go → gullet
Perhaps one should investigate them more closely.
asserted
one → investigate → them
We can't allow Englishmen with unusual culinary tastes and Eastern European immigrants to be the only ones who benefit from the Chancellor's largesse.
asserted
who → allow → largesse
Baked beans were also to the fore when the security minister, Dan Jarvis, came to the Commons to make a statement on 'strengthening community resilience'.
asserted
minister → bake → resilience
This was a euphemism for 'hoarding tins of beans in your pantry so that when the Russians declare war on us we don't all leg it for the supermarket'.
asserted
we → hoard → supermarket
The authorities do not want a repeat of people stockpiling loo rolls, as happened at the start of lockdown.
asserted
people → want → lockdown
Former paratrooper Mr Jarvis is just the chap to give blood-curdling warnings.
asserted
Jarvis → give → warnings
He has a craggy profile and peers at the world through two eyes that are perpetually narrowed.
asserted
that → have → eyes
That is possibly what happens when you've spent a lot of your life dangling under a parachute.
uncertain
you → happen → parachute
Dan Jarvis came to the Commons to make a statement on 'strengthening community resilience'.
asserted
Jarvis → come → resilience
This was a euphemism for 'hoarding tins of beans in your pantry so that when the Russians declare war on us we don't all leg it for the supermarket'
asserted
we → hoard → supermarket
He spoke about climatic disasters.
asserted
He → speak → disasters
He mentioned 'biological defences', whatever they might be.
uncertain
they → mention → defences
Citizens 'up and down these isles' needed to be 'self-sufficient for three days'.
asserted
Citizens → need → days
This from a political establishment that has spent the past 80 years turning the once-resilient British people into a nation of quivering, spoon-fed dependents who expect Nanny State to wipe their noses.
asserted
State → spend → noses
We all needed to fill our kitchen cupboards with 'three days of water and non-perishable food,' barked Mr Jarvis.
asserted
Jarvis → need → water
The Government was starting a 'Be Ready' campaign and he, Jarvis, was right behind it.
asserted
he → start → it
He noted that the motto of his old regiment was 'Ready for Anything'.
asserted
motto → note → Anything
Could the House remember the scouts' motto?
uncertain
House → remember → motto
Someone shouted: 'Dyb dyb.'
asserted
Someone → shout → dyb
Mr Jarvis resisted the urge to straighten his woggle and twang to attention.
asserted
Jarvis → resist → attention
'Be Prepared!' he cried.
asserted
he → cry → ?
Tory MP Sir Edward Leigh, 105, recalled that as a minister in the Macmillan government, or something like that, he had produced a leaflet called 'Protect and Survive' to help the public endure any attack from the Soviet Union.
asserted
public → recall → Union
British officialdom has always had a touching belief in leaflets.
asserted
officialdom → have → leaflets
Numerous MPs pointed out BT had weakened national resilience by getting rid of copper lines which worked in power cuts.
Greg Smith (Con, Mid-Bucks) mentioned two villages in his constituency where there was no mobile signal, even on good days.
Tory MP Sir Edward Leigh, 105, recalled that as a minister in the Macmillan government, or something like that, he had produced a leaflet called 'Protect and Survive' to help the public endure any attack from the Soviet Union
One of these was called Bryant's Bottom.
asserted
One → point → these
No one sniggered.
asserted
one → snigger → ?
But they might have done had the Northern Ireland Secretary been in attendance.
uncertain
Secretary → do → attendance
Oddly, cash was not mentioned.
asserted
cash → mention → ?
If disaster strikes and power is lost, electronic payments won't work.
asserted
payments → strike → ?
And yet go-ahead Treasury types think cash is fuddy-duddy.
asserted
cash → go → ?
Mr Jarvis should have a word with them.
asserted
Jarvis → have → them
Ed Miliband reacted as if electrocuted.
asserted
Miliband → react → ?
He leapt up to claim, tersely, that the information had already been given.
uncertain
information → leap → ?
Mr Miliband's junior ministers looked aghast.
asserted
ministers → look → ?
They seemed to think their boss's reply was untrue.
asserted
reply → seem → ?
A whisper passed down the line to Mr Miliband.
asserted
whisper → pass → Miliband
He shrugged and laughed.
asserted
He → shrug → ?
Mr Obese-Jecty made a point of order complaining about the answer.
asserted
Jecty → make → answer
…and 3 more, not listed.
The Aporia
