TIME
· collected 2026-09-13 · by Joan M. Cook
We all know at least one or two adults who like to have things done for them: someone to run their errands, drive them to the doctor, pick up their medications and groceries.
asserted
things → know → medications
I was what is referred to as the parentified child, taking care of her since I was a young girl until she died seven years ago.
asserted
she → refer → her
I was so put off by my mother’s complete reliance on other people that I went in the opposite direction; I became a psychologist who strongly prefers to do everything for herself.
asserted
who → put → herself
I learned over time that the problem with excessive self-reliance or stoicism is that it isn’t always, or even often, effective.
asserted
it → learn → reliance
As a psychologist, I had to learn and teach myself, as well as my patients, the importance of asking for help when one needs it.
asserted
one → have → it
As I tell my patients (and as I learned to tell myself), we do ourselves a disservice by not asking for and accepting help when we need it.
asserted
we → tell → it
No one can go through life alone.
asserted
one → go → life
Humans are social beings, and we are designed to be interconnected with one another.
asserted
we → design → one
Being able to effectively ask for and receive help also makes us stronger and more independent over time.
asserted
us → ask → time
There are many reasons why people don’t like to ask for help.
asserted
people → be → help
One is we think we should be able to do everything for ourselves.
asserted
we → think → ourselves
We feel like if we ask others for help that we will look weak or needy.
asserted
we → feel → help
We might fear rejection or are concerned with imposing on others.
uncertain
We → fear → others
We may be concerned that asking someone for help gives people some kind of power or leverage over us.
uncertain
asking → ask → us
We may even believe that receiving help from others means we owe someone something back.
uncertain
we → believe → something
Believe me, I get it.
asserted
I → believe → it
I have some of those same cognitive distortions in my thinking as well.
asserted
I → have → thinking
I need to give myself grace and compassion for having such thoughts, and then push through them.
asserted
I → need → them
The next step is figuring out what help we could benefit from, and knowing how, when, and who to ask for help.
uncertain
we → figure → help
Doing this helps set us up for success.
asserted
Doing → do → success
We aren’t supposed to have all the answers, capabilities, or capacities.
asserted
We → suppose → answers
I encourage the people I work with to take an inventory of the needs that they have.
asserted
they → encourage → that
We have to understand that, as emotionally healthy adults, we need to meet many of our own needs ourselves.
asserted
we → have → needs
Some of our needs we can ask other people for help with, and some of our needs will go unmet.
asserted
some → ask → needs
Once we figure out the needs we have, we can spot which ones might benefit from support and assistance.
uncertain
ones → figure → support
Let’s say we don’t want to go to the end-of-summer company picnic alone and would prefer a plus-one to come with us.
asserted
one → let → us
There’s nothing wrong—and, dare I say, everything right—with asking another person to accompany us.
asserted
I → ’ → us
But we need to be strategic.
asserted
we → need → ?
When we ask for help, we might want to consider what our body language, posture, tone of voice, and choice of words say about us and our request.
uncertain
language → ask → us
For example, if we stand in front of someone with our arms crossed over our chests, this often signals defensiveness or a lack of openness.
asserted
this → stand → openness
If we slump or shrug, avoid eye contact, or point a finger, this also doesn’t invite people in.
asserted
this → slump → people
Similarly, making demands, threats, or insults—or insisting someone help us—can also be off-putting, and decrease our chances of getting support.
asserted
someone → make → support
I really like a treatment called Seeking Safety.
asserted
I → like → Safety
Though originally designed for trauma survivors who have co-occurring PTSD and substance abuse, these are behavioral, cognitive, and people skills that have wider applicability.
asserted
that → design → applicability
For example, in regards to asking for help, the method suggests that people consider starting small, practicing on safe people with simple requests.
uncertain
people → ask → requests
It may seem obvious, but your odds of getting a ride to a job interview or doctor’s appointment are higher than if you ask someone for money to pay this month’s rent or the next car payment.
uncertain
you → seem → rent
For example, the psychologist Donald Meichanbaum has written extensively on the skills needed for interpersonal effectiveness, behavioral rehearsal, and problem-solving.
asserted
psychologist → write → effectiveness
When we ask for help, we also must be prepared for someone to say no.
asserted
someone → ask → help
If they do, we must learn not to take it personally.
asserted
we → do → it
I reached out to Adam Brown, a psychologist and professor at the New School for Social Research who has conducted research on factors that contribute to mental-health risks and resilience.
asserted
that → reach → risks
…and 7 more, not listed.
