Never mind a snap election: at the Conservative conference, they were preparing for a Kremlin air raid.
asserted
they → mind → raid
An Iranian Shahed attack-drone, recently downed in Kiev, was suspended over the stage.
asserted
drone → down → stage
Ukrainian children sang to us – ‘peace is what we want’ – and former Tory MP Jack Lopresti was striding about the conference venue in military fatigues.
asserted
Lopresti → sing → fatigues
Having lost his Commons seat in 2024 he has joined Ukraine’s national guard.
asserted
he → lose → guard
Prof Niall Ferguson, historian, did a goolie-shrivelling turn about how we were on the brink of World War Three.
asserted
we → do → War
He sat on stage and craned forward, staring urgently as he noted that Birmingham was within range of missiles from Kaliningrad.
asserted
Birmingham → sit → Kaliningrad
‘Why do we struggle to imagine this?’ cried the Prof, chiding public complacency about the Russian menace.
asserted
Prof → struggle → menace
His very fibre was taut, one forefinger pointing at the drone.
asserted
forefinger → point → drone
That digit threw a foreboding shadow.
asserted
digit → throw → shadow
The way his left eyeball was throbbing, it could have been an indignant oyster, outraged at being squirted with lemon.
uncertain
it → throb → lemon
Prof Ferguson had not previously been to a Tory conference (lucky devil) but had agreed to attend because Kemi’s was the only party taking national security seriously.
asserted
Kemi → agree → security
Tom Tugendhat, Shadow Foreign Secretary, had just mentioned the ‘strong men’ of today’s global power games.
asserted
Tugendhat → mention → games
Ferguson, fortissimo: ‘What we need is a STRONG WOMAN!’
asserted
need → need → What
Someone mentioned Andy Burnham’s belief that national security must not come at the expense of social security.
asserted
security → mention → security
At this point the Prof’s oyster almost shot out of its socket as he exclaimed that he was ‘still reeling’ from that particular idiocy.
asserted
he → shoot → idiocy
The dullness of Monday’s conference was quite forgotten.
asserted
dullness → forget → conference
A Ukrainian MP with imperfect English was given five minutes to say we needed to grab weapons, and fast.
asserted
we → give → weapons
Mr Tugendhat regretted that our new PM was interested only in buses.
asserted
PM → regret → buses
‘That,’ he said, indicating the darn drone, ‘ain’t a bus.’
asserted
he → say → drone
A video speech was barked by Gen Patrick Sanders, former Chief of the General Staff, now a Tory peer.
asserted
speech → bark → Staff
He had a sword and jambiya on his study wall, along with, I think, some sort of goat-scrotum Persian sling.
asserted
I → have → sling
The General, full of military peril, yacked out of the right side of his mouth like Popeye.
asserted
General → yack → Popeye
Tom Tugendhat, Shadow foreign secretary, delivers his speech to the Tory Party conference
An Iranian Shahed attack-drone, recently downed in Kyiv, was suspended over the stage at the Conservative conference
asserted
drone → deliver → conference
James Cartlidge, Shadow Defence Secretary, doubted the wisdom of Mr Burnham’s touchy-feely approach.
asserted
Cartlidge → doubt → approach
‘Hope,’ said Mr Cartlidge, ‘will not stop an Iranian drone.
asserted
Cartlidge → say → drone
Vibes will not bring down a cruise missile.’
asserted
Vibes → bring → missile
Much more of this sort of talk and shoppers were going to start bulk-buying bumfodder.
asserted
shoppers → go → bumfodder
I was starting to wish I’d planted more autumn shallots.
asserted
I → start → shallots
Our veins, already pulsating, were given a further pipe-clean by Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary Helen Whately, who wished to stop indolent dodgers being given benefits when there was nothing wrong with them.
asserted
dodgers → pulsate → them
Mrs Whately used to be a Boden-catalogue Cameroon.
asserted
Whately → use → ?
Now she’s a Thatcherite Brunhilde in designer specs.
asserted
she → ’ → specs
Talking of which, it was not all blood and guts.
asserted
it → talk → which
The conference day also featured a discussion about the fashion industry.
asserted
day → feature → industry
Your sketchwriter has seldom felt so deeply behind foreign lines.
asserted
sketchwriter → feel → lines
Shadow Culture Secretary Rebecca Paul welcomed to the stage, with great air-kissing ‘mwaws’, three fashion experts called Plum, Tikki and Libby.
asserted
Paul → welcome → mwaws
They talked about John Galliano, Vivienne Westwood (she’s not often mentioned at Tory conferences), cashmere sweaters and rich Continentals who used to drop £50,000 on shoes in a single day’s shopping but no longer do so, apparently, because of the tourist tax.
asserted
who → talk → tax
Tikki worked for Jigsaw.
asserted
Tikki → work → Jigsaw
The ladies expressed wonder that Angela Rayner’s recent green outfit from Me+Em had not done that designer terminal damage.
asserted
outfit → express → damage
Plum, enthusing that ‘it’s really fun to go shopping’, was in a gorgeous white Tom Ford trouser suit.
asserted
it → enthuse → suit
But in the row in front of me sat a 70-something bloke in a crumpled jacket, polyester strides and plastic shoes.
asserted
bloke → sit → jacket
…and 1 more, not listed.
The Aporia
