This article is a personal account detailing how retirement offers ample time for various activities, from mundane morning routines to engaging in hobbies and causes. The author lists specific daily tasks and moments of reflection or enjoyment, highlighting the richness and variety that can come with having more free time. Each activity is given a humorous minute-by-minute breakdown, emphasizing both the leisure and occasional frustration that retirement can bring.
Written locally by qwen2.5:14b on 2026-09-26,
using this article's own text rather than the other coverage of the
same event (that is the story summary below).
As soon as you retire from your nine-to-five job, people say: “How do you fill your day?”
asserted
you → retire → day
Actually, it’s easy.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
Personally, I’m flat out.
asserted
I → ’m → ?
Let me add up the minutes.
asserted
me → let → minutes
Walking up in the middle of the night and debating with yourself about whether you need to heave yourself out of bed to visit the loo: 20 minutes.
Finally, inevitably, making the trip to the loo: 2 minutes.
asserted
you → walk → loo
Getting back to sleep: 50 minutes.
Waking up in the morning, slightly exhausted: 1 minute.
Putting on your socks: 2 minutes.
Putting on your reading glasses: first, I’ve got to find them.
asserted
I → get → them
Having coffee and cake since you deserve a reward for having conducted your daily exercise routine: 90 minutes.
asserted
you → have → routine
Admiring a flowering plant on your daily walk and realising, miraculously, you suddenly know its name: 5 minutes.
asserted
you → admire → name
Admiring a bird on your daily walk and realising, miraculously, you suddenly know its name: 5 minutes.
Having the time and mental space to take up the $1 introductory offer for the TV streaming service: 10 minutes.
Having the time and mental space to cancel the $1 introductory offer from a different streaming service, a moment before they were about to start charging the full rate: 10 minutes.
asserted
they → admire → rate
Becoming so obsessed with your family heritage that you do a DNA test, certain that you are probably a quarter Icelandic or Guatemalan or certainly a member of some sort of royal family: 40 minutes.
asserted
you → become → family
Drowning your sorrows having discovered your genetic heritage involves nothing more exotic than both sides of some UK slum: 60 minutes.
asserted
Drowning → drown → slum
Checking the price of your second tranche Telstra shares in the eternal hope that one day they’ll come good: 1 minute.
asserted
they → check → hope
Drowning your sorrows having realised they’ll never come good: 60 minutes.
Having the time, finally, to join a campaign to save the koalas, or better-fund public education, or to support the use of “youse” as a genuinely useful contribution to the language (other passions are available): 16 hours.
asserted
passions → drown → language
I may need to go back to nine-to-five employment just to free up spare time.
uncertain
I → need → time
Sitting in mute disbelief when viewing a gum tree, its branches reaching into the sky, thirsty and yearning, dark against the early evening sky: 20 minutes.
asserted
branches → sit → sky
Falling into a reverie about how you won life’s lottery by getting to live in Australia: 40 minutes.
asserted
you → fall → Australia
Finding a way to improve the spaghetti bolognese meal you’ve made for 50 years, simply by adding a splash of Worcestershire sauce: 2 minutes.
asserted
you → find → sauce
Wondering why you didn’t realise the power of Worcestershire sauce when you first made spaghetti Bolognaise 50 years ago: 2 minutes.
asserted
you → wonder → Bolognaise
Concluding that it’s good that some of life’s treats and revelations are left until later in life: 60 minutes.
asserted
some → conclude → life
Laughing maniacally with delight that you are finally getting something from the government: 60 minutes.
asserted
you → laugh → government
Having a psychological breakdown about why you can no longer reverse park with ease, when you used to be able to do it blindfolded, wearing sunnies, and with one arm around an attractive friend: 2 minutes.
asserted
you → have → minutes
Reading the classic book you’ve been meaning to read for the past 40 years: 10 minutes.
asserted
you → read → minutes
Deciding to stop reading the classic book on account that it’s a bit boring: 30 seconds.
asserted
it → decide → account
Popping on your pyjamas: first, I’ve got to find them.
asserted
I → pop → them
Waking up in the middle of the night and debating with yourself about whether you need to heave yourself out of bed in order to visit the loo: 20 minutes.
asserted
you → wake → loo
Add it all up, and I’d need a month for every passing day.
asserted
I → add → day
Like everyone else who has retired, I may need to go back to nine-to-five employment just to free up a bit of spare time.
uncertain
I → retire → time
Read these:
- What will happen to your most cherished possessions when you die?
asserted
you → read → possessions
You don’t want to know
- I’m suddenly British, even though I really don’t want to be
-
asserted
I → want → ?
No one knows what I’m talking about any more
asserted
I → know → what
- Meet Richard’s adorable new dog Frank, aka “No Chewing”
- I’m offering my services to write new books for the Ozempic generation
- Am I going too hard on my seniors Opal card?
asserted
I → meet → card
You bet I am
asserted
I → bet → ?
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