When I read the testimony of Woman Five in the trial of Russell Brand, my teeth began chattering violently.
asserted
teeth → read → Brand
It was sudden and unexpected, an uncontrollable reaction that gripped my body as the words from witness statements fired up neurons in my brain, dislodging long-buried memories of my own demeaning encounters with the comedian.
asserted
words → grip → comedian
As I read this brave woman's words – him asking her to have a shower and brush her teeth before the appalling encounter – I realised I was shaking like a leaf, and I was crying, too.
My body was finally releasing something it had known for 21 years, something my brain had not ever fully allowed it to accept: that Russell Brand was a cruel and ruthless predator, and I was far from the only woman who had been degraded by him.
I was 25 when I was sent to interview Russell Brand.
asserted
I → read → Brand
He was an up-and-coming comedian and had just begun presenting a Big Brother spin-off show, and despite what his lawyer Ian Winter KC said in court, I had no idea of his reputation, other than that he was a few years clean and sober from heroin addiction.
asserted
he → come → addiction
We met in a cafe in Primrose Hill, and I remember being completely thrown when this funny, sparky Fagin-like creature almost immediately began propositioning me, telling me how beautiful I was and asking if he could kiss me.
uncertain
he → meet → me
Russel Brand, pictured in 2012, was jailed for more than ten years this week after being convicted of rape and sexual assault
Bryony Gordon was sent to interview Brand when she was 25.
asserted
she → picture → Brand
He told her how beautiful she was and asked if he could kiss her
I remember I giggled a lot.
uncertain
I → tell → her
Afterwards, he insisted on walking me to the Tube station, and the whole way there, he continued to ask if he could kiss me, while I continued to tell him he couldn't.
uncertain
he → insist → him
I returned to the office, and within moments my phone began ringing – he had got my number from his PR.
asserted
he → return → PR
And so began a bombardment, 20 or 30 phone calls and texts a day.
asserted
bombardment → begin → ?
These are red flags now, but you have to remember that this was the Noughties, a time when comedians on panel shows were doing skits about rape.
asserted
comedians → have → rape
I was bulimic, depressive, riddled with OCD and I now realise in active alcoholism: what little self-esteem I did have was largely derived from the validation of men, whom I looked to in that post-Bridget-Jones era for something approaching safety and security.
asserted
I → realise → safety
I am not proud to admit this.
asserted
I → admit → this
In fact, it makes me feel pretty sad.
asserted
me → make → fact
What I'm trying to say is that, while I can now see I was experiencing Brand's narcissistic lovebombing, at the time I was completely and utterly dazzled by it.
asserted
I → try → it
I remember he called me and sang James Blunt's You're Beautiful down the phone.
asserted
You → remember → phone
It was not something I'd ever experienced before.
asserted
I → experience → ?
I was hooked.
asserted
I → hook → ?
Eventually, I agreed to go on a date with him.
asserted
I → agree → him
We went for Sunday lunch, and then to see a movie at the cinema.
asserted
We → go → cinema
He invited me back to his for drinks – I remember thinking how funny it was that, given he didn't drink himself, he had stocked his fridge with alcohol for me.
asserted
he → invite → me
At the time, at the time, at the time… how much heavy lifting must those three words do?
asserted
words → do → lifting
Again and again, he asked me if I found him attractive, as if I and I alone could give him the validation he needed.
Brand outside Southwark Crown Court in London with his wife Laura, who stood by his side throughout his trial
Brand is now being probed over new abuse claims after 'multiple reports' came in following his conviction
Just before we kissed, he asked me to gargle with mouthwash.
uncertain
he → ask → mouthwash
It made me feel like there was something wrong with me, something grotesque, and I am ashamed to say that this, in turn, made me want to please him, to do as he said.
asserted
he → make → him
I now know, from Woman Five's testimony, that he often did this kind of thing, but back then, I thought it was just me.
asserted
it → know → thing
I'm not going to go into the details of the rest of my night with Brand.
asserted
I → go → Brand
But what I will say is that when I left the next day, any discomfort I had about the encounter I blamed squarely on myself.
asserted
I → say → myself
I thought I was the problem, not him – I was a prude, not adventurous or sparkly enough for a man as charismatic and charming as him.
asserted
I → think → him
I did not have the self-esteem or the confidence to be the woman Russell Brand clearly wanted me to be, and in some fundamental way, I felt like a failure because of it.
asserted
I → have → it
Like so many other things that caused me shame at the time, I turned the experience into a funny story.
asserted
I → cause → story
Like Brand, I got good at making jokes about it.
asserted
I → get → it
We were slap-bang in the middle of the Noughties, when culture at large – from music videos to comedy shows – did not take women seriously.
asserted
culture → take → women
How on earth could I be expected to grant that grace to myself?
uncertain
I → expect → myself
I briefly mentioned my encounter with Brand in a book I wrote in 2013, about my crazy, out-of-control 20s.
asserted
I → mention → 20s
Even now, reading it back, I can see the shame dripping off the page, the way I attempted to turn seedy things I'd experienced into hilarious anecdotes that would make people laugh, instead of leaving them feeling uncomfortable.
asserted
people → read → them
(Sample:' 'Bryony, tell everyone the Russell Brand story,' said a friend, with a wink and a nudge.
asserted
friend → tell → wink
I grimace.
asserted
I → grimace → ?
Otherwise, I did a good job of shoving my experience with Brand in a box, locking it up, and then burying it somewhere deep in my brain where I never had to look at it.
asserted
I → do → it
I remember feeling surprised when he wasn't called out during the MeToo movement of 2017, but this only led me to bury the box even deeper, in the belief I was probably mad, and almost certainly over-reacting.
asserted
I → remember → belief
When the allegations surfaced about Brand in 2023, I briefly allowed myself to look at the box.
asserted
myself → surface → box
…and 10 more, not listed.
The Aporia
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