Chances are, as you’re reading this, your bunker is fully stocked, your doors are locked, and you’re peeking at your computer screen through gaps between your fingers.
asserted
you → read → fingers
After all, it’s election day on Tuesday.
asserted
it → ’ → Tuesday
Once again, democracy will be tested – like Beavis & Butthead taking the SATs.
asserted
Beavis → test → SATs
I’m not looking forward to it, and I’m sure you aren’t either.
asserted
you → look → it
I’m old enough to remember when American elections, and especially the once-sleepy midterms, were a placid affair that anyone with a calculator and a friend at the Associated Press could predict.
uncertain
anyone → ’m → Press
Now, it feels like anything can and will happen this week – from delayed results and slow counts to Donald Trump sending in the DC Comics Suicide Squad to your local polling place.
asserted
Trump → feel → place
That’s all we need, John Cena checking your ID before you vote.
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you → ’ → ID
It’s enough to make you crawl up into a ball and beg for mommy.
asserted
you → ’ → mommy
But fear is a passive emotion, one that leaves a person paralyzed and incapable of action.
asserted
that → leave → action
My preference is for the fully formed anger of the middle-aged curmudgeon.
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preference → form → curmudgeon
A shaken fist and a choice expletive is healthier than babbling for hours in your panic room.
asserted
fist → shake → room
So, in lieu of a voter guide telling you how to fill out your ballot, here’s a list of all the most irritating, confounding and downright stupid things to scream about on Tuesday.
asserted
list → tell → Tuesday
During a recent campaign stop, the former president Barack Obama compared the aesthetics of the recent Trump-led White House renovations with a Cheesecake Factory.
asserted
president → compare → Factory
Not only am I annoyed that this is even a talking point during a crucial campaign, I also resent the comparison being made.
asserted
I → annoy → comparison
I’d rather eat at a Cheesecake Factory than the White House, any day of the week.
asserted
I → eat → week
I have to assume Bill Maher agrees with me.
asserted
Maher → have → me
Here in California, the race everyone is talking about is a contest for Los Angeles mayor, a famous stepping stone to jobs as prestigious as “Ambassador to Country Chosen by Random Lottery Draw” or “Special Adviser to Herbalife”.
asserted
everyone → talk → Herbalife
It’s neck-and-neck between incumbent Karen Bass and the city councilperson Nithya Raman.
asserted
It → ’ → Bass
The unfortunate twist in this daytime soap opera is that the reality show star they combined to defeat in the first round of voting this summer, Spencer Pratt, is still popular enough that his supporters could tip the scales toward one candidate or the other.
uncertain
supporters → combine → candidate
The only thing I can think of that’s worse than Spencer Pratt as mayor of LA is Spencer Pratt deciding the next mayor of LA.
asserted
Pratt → think → LA
The curious case of the two Dan Sullivans
According to the New York Times, some Democrats figured out that the best way to unseat the senator Dan Sullivan was to force him to run against himself.
uncertain
way → accord → himself
Retired teacher Dan Sullivan was allegedly recruited to run for US Senate by the campaign of Democrat Mary Peltola, in the hopes of unseating … Dan Sullivan.
uncertain
Sullivan → retire → Sullivan
(The Peltola campaign has denied any involvement in his candidacy.)
asserted
campaign → deny → candidacy
The Sullivan v Sullivan smackdown has the Republican party so worried that the justice department is suing to invalidate the results of the election if Sullivan (the senator) narrowly loses to Sullivan (the not-senator) or Peltola (the not-Sullivan).
asserted
Sullivan → have → Sullivan
I’m no fan of Dan Sullivan, but I’m not sure how I feel about Dan Sullivan either!
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I → ’m → Sullivan
This is the kind of goofy dirty trick that makes people hate politics.
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people → make → politics
Who are you really fooling here?
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you → fool → Who
People who are too busy to read the fine print about which Dan Sullivan is the incumbent Alaskan senator?
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Sullivan → read → which
People with an acute case of Sullivantitis (a crippling disease that causes blindness to the name “Dan Sullivan”)?
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that → cause → name
I realize the answer is no.
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answer → realize → ?
I just hope this election is more entertaining than The Undertaker v The Undertaker at WWF SummerSlam 1994.
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election → hope → SummerSlam
Unlike that match, this face-off of doppelgangers won’t involve Leslie Nielsen.
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off → involve → Nielsen
The continued push to close polling places
In an attempt to depress turnout amongst Democratic-leaning voters, red state election boards in states such as North Carolina are shutting polling places in blue areas.
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boards → continue → areas
In North Carolina in particular, voting sites were shut on numerous college campuses, but that didn’t stop a group of predominantly students from organizing marches in excess of two hours so that they could maintain the franchise.
uncertain
they → shut → franchise
When I was a young man, the main tool crooked politicians had to keep people from voting was good, old-fashioned apathy.
asserted
politicians → have → people
We should have changed the motto on the quarter from “E pluribus unum” to “They’re all bums, anyway.”
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They → change → unum
In 2026, politicians have infuriated people to such a degree that they’ll walk miles just to vote.
asserted
they → infuriate → miles
It’s inspiring to see young people exercising their rights in the face of an actively hostile state government, but I find the notion of our nation’s leaders blatantly making it more onerous for citizens to vote absolutely abhorrent.
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citizens → ’ → government
I mean, the peer pressure is bad enough.
asserted
pressure → mean → ?
‘I voted’ stickers and selfies
I get why the stickers exist.
asserted
stickers → vote → stickers
…and 17 more, not listed.
The Aporia
