For years, the crisp air and changing colors of October brought forth a host of wonderful memories for DC United fans – visions of Eddie Pope heading home the winner in Major League Soccer’s first-ever championship game, or Marco Etcheverry, Jaime Moreno and others tearing through defenders, helping establish MLS’s first true dynasty.
asserted
Etcheverry → change → dynasty
Nowadays, United fans have a different tradition: hearing the team’s ownership apologize for yet another depressing season and offer promises of a brighter future.
asserted
ownership → have → future
With Wednesday night’s 2-1 loss to Toronto, United will now miss out on the playoffs for the seventh consecutive season – in a league that lets at least 50% of teams into the playoffs each year, with 60% of teams or more making it in five of those seven years.
asserted
% → miss → years
If United fail to make it again next year, they’ll tie an all-time MLS record.
asserted
they → fail → record
United have cycled through coaches, players and staff at a dizzying rate in recent years; their most recent attempt to right the ship involved hiring René Weiler, a Swiss journeyman who has guided 10 clubs in a 20-year coaching career.
asserted
who → cycle → career
United’s choice to lead its sporting department felt even more bizarre: they hired Dr Erkut Sogut, a German-born lawyer and sports agent who had never worked in a front office before, with Wikipedia saying he is “most notable for being the agent of football star Mesut Özil”.
asserted
he → lead → Özil
Sogut – who has also penned a number of books about the “high-octane” world of “football and the powerful agents who control it” – has yet to turn things around, even a little bit.
asserted
who → pen → things
United, who are seemingly too inept to perform the basic function of their business (fielding a competitive soccer team) are nevertheless asking the DC government for hundreds of millions of dollars to renovate Audi Field, their eight-year-old home.
asserted
who → perform → Field
Below them at the bottom of the overall table are others straggling along for their own varied reasons: CF Montréal, Sporting KC and Atlanta United.
asserted
others → straggle → reasons
DC’s disastrous 2026 can’t hold a candle this year to KC, whose misery started early, has continued apace and has frequently bordered on the comical.
asserted
misery → hold → comical
The club was bounced out of the US Open Cup at the first hurdle by USL side Colorado Springs Switchbacks in a 3-0 loss that could have been worse.
uncertain
that → bounce → loss
On Wednesday night, the team lost 3-1 to Minnesota United to bring their goals conceded tally to an astonishing 80 on the season, setting the league record with two games to go.
asserted
team → lose → games
KC were never going to do well this year.
asserted
KC → go → ?
They opened preseason with just 17 players under contract and former Chicago Fire and BSC Young Boys head coach Raphaël Wicky has thus far seemed like an unsteady fit to say the least.
asserted
Wicky → open → least
It’s the kind of dynamic that’s led the team to a place where their minutes leader is Calvin Harris, a forward who had mostly been an option off the bench in past MLS spots.
asserted
who → ’ → spots
Second on the minutes list is 24-year-old Wyatt Meyer, who went from riding the bench and bouncing down to MLS Next Pro for Nashville in 2025 to anchoring 2026’s historically bad defense.
asserted
who → go → defense
There’s some room for optimism in Kansas City, at least, as there is at any team with a billionaire owner (that is Peter Mallouk, who gained controlling owner status earlier this year).
asserted
who → ’ → status
The same can be said for Atlanta United, who are on the verge of missing the playoffs for the second consecutive year for the first time in franchise history.
asserted
who → say → history
It feels almost comical to worry about Atlanta, who have never been short on ambition under Arthur Blank.
asserted
who → feel → Blank
That club spent millions to sign Miguel Almirón, Aleksei Miranchuk and Emmanuel Latte Lath and promptly watched as each of them grossly underperformed.
asserted
each → spend → them
Latte Lath, a $22m transfer from Middlesbrough, was arguably the biggest designated player bust in MLS history before Atlanta mercifully loaned him out to Union Berlin in August.
asserted
Atlanta → designate → August
Montreal haven’t won a match in a month and their fans rained pyrotechnics on the field and damaged stadium concourses after the team’s loss to Canadian Premier League side Forge FC in the Canadian Championship last weekend.
asserted
fans → win → Championship
Montreal, who have occasionally been competitive and somehow remain somewhat relevant in their market, are also one of MLS’s longest-running shitshows, with owner Joey Saputo cycling through head coaches at a dizzying pace.
asserted
Saputo → remain → pace
Rumors of a sale – or possible relocation – have persisted for years.
asserted
Rumors → persist → years
The vibrance of Montreal as a soccer city, and the team’s history of over three decades there, means faint hope remains that the team can turn things around.
asserted
team → mean → things
That’s true even as the club bans fans from its stands in response to the aforementioned protests.
asserted
club → ’ → protests
The tiny slivers of hope present in all of these sides can not be found at this point for DC United, with supporters who have stuck by their club for nearly as long as those of Montreal.
asserted
who → find → Montreal
At this point, barring them from the stands at Audi Field could be viewed as an act of love.
uncertain
barring → bar → love
The Aporia
