- Published
Louisa Nicoll knew her husband John was going to die about a year before it happened.
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it → publish → ?
The couple used the time to make memories with their children, James and Amy, and John meticulously organised their paperwork.
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John → use → paperwork
But despite him asking for accounts to be switched to Louisa's name, she still received post addressed to him after his death.
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she → ask → death
In one letter from their energy provider, it said: "Sorry you're leaving us.
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you → say → us
Is there anything we can do to make you stay?"
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you → do → ?
"I felt utterly exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated and angry because of those experiences," she told BBC's Morning Live.
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she → feel → Live
Louisa now campaigns for changes in the way companies deal with admin after someone dies and offers advice on how talking about death before it happens can help families cope afterwards.
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families → campaign → death
John was 50 and working as a police surveillance trainer when he was diagnosed with cancer.
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he → work → cancer
Louisa had a career in palliative care nursing and was a ward manager in a hospice.
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Louisa → have → hospice
John underwent nine major surgeries and four rounds of chemotherapy - working full-time through it all.
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John → undergo → it
"He absolutely loved working with his supportive police colleagues, and he cherished everyday family life and spending time with our friends," says Louisa.
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Louisa → love → friends
When further surgery was no longer an option, palliative chemotherapy was offered.
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chemotherapy → offer → ?
Following many discussions, John decided to focus on making memories as a husband, dad and friend rather than spending his final months as a patient.
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John → follow → patient
"He made a lovely speech at Amy's 18th birthday," she says.
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she → make → birthday
"We visited family in Scotland and had planned a family holiday to Greece - but Covid hit and we had a Greek night at home instead."
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we → visit → home
The couple had a party for Louisa's 50th and their 25th wedding anniversary.
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couple → have → anniversary
In the background, John was busy compiling a handover of the household admin.
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John → compile → admin
"He even wrote a plan for me titled 'things you need to know', packed with every household account, insurance renewal and MOT dates," she says.
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she → write → account
He had emailed their energy provider saying he would like Louisa to take over as the account holder due to his terminal diagnosis.
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Louisa → email → diagnosis
But instead, she was added as an additional name and had to close and reopen the account.
"
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she → add → account
I thought I was prepared for John's death but the reality was so much harder than I could ever have imagined.
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I → think → death
So when I had to face the death admin, I felt so vulnerable without him beside me."
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I → have → me
They were asked to take his death certificate into a store but still received texts that read "Hi, John".
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that → ask → texts
"I'm sure nobody's doing this intentionally... but these companies could just get their bereavement services at a level that is not going to cause undue distress," says Louisa.
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Louisa → do → distress
Sarah Middlemiss, policy campaigns manager at end-of-life charity Marie Curie, tells Morning Live admin tasks can be particularly difficult when you are grieving.
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you → tell → Live
"And because every company does things in a slightly different way and requires slightly different things, it can be really, really overwhelming," she says.
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she → do → things
"Proper training on how to deal with people who are grieving or who are terminally ill in a really sensitive and timely manner would go a really long way."
Louisa gives talks at events to encourage people to talk about death in advance.
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Louisa → deal → advance
"We plan for every major event in life - weddings, pregnancy, career changes, retirement, even our meals each day - yet most people leave the end of life completely to chance," she says.
"
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she → plan → chance
Our families end up trapped in a crisis - guessing our wishes in the back of an ambulance or a chaotic A&E department."
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families → end → ambulance
She says she and John had those "hard but important conversations" long before they needed them.
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they → say → them
John died peacefully at home in August 2020, just one day after their 26th wedding anniversary.
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John → die → anniversary
"Before he died, we spoke about what I would do for work after he died.
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he → die → work
He said, 'I think you'll tell our story, and show people that it is possible to live well when faced with dying.'
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it → say → dying
And that is what I'm trying to do."
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I → try → what
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