- Published
Warning: This story contains a reference to suicide
It was an ordinary Tuesday train ride to work when top civil servant Richard Jackson made the biggest mistake of his life.
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Jackson → publish → life
By the time he realised, with a sudden jolt of panic, it was too late.
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it → realise → panic
He had left highly classified documents on the train.
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He → leave → train
The split-second error became national news and Jackson's life was thrown into turmoil.
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life → become → turmoil
He was consumed by shame and humiliation.
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He → consume → shame
Nearly 20 years on, he recounts that fateful day and the aftermath to BBC Radio 4's Life Changing podcast.
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he → recount → podcast
He says he is proof that even when you've made your worst mistake you can rebuild your life.
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you → say → life
Before his life unravelled, Jackson was 37 and living in Yateley in Hampshire with wife Maddie and stepdaughter Charlotte, 15.
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Jackson → unravel → Maddie
"We were very happy," he says.
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he → say → ?
"My worth and my value came from that career, job title, position and responsibility.
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worth → come → career
"I found myself working 100-hour weeks for a while," he says.
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he → find → while
"I didn't switch off."
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I → switch → ?
He had been seconded from the Ministry of Defence to the Cabinet Office for a job in global terrorism, handling first-hand intelligence from GCHQ, MI5 and MI6.
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He → second → GCHQ
Leaving his Whitehall office one Monday evening, he swept up a pile of forms to fill in to make his secondment official.
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secondment → leave → forms
Back at home, he realised that buried within the bundle were "two papers on two classified subjects, and they were both top secret".
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they → realise → subjects
In hindsight, Jackson says he should have phoned the Cabinet Office and asked someone to collect the documents securely.
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he → say → documents
But he puts what he did next down to "maybe a bit of self-preservation".
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he → put → preservation
"Maybe if I get them back, no one else will ever know."
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one → get → them
He put the top secret papers in a bright orange cardboard folder and sat on the train the next morning thinking over and over "do not forget this".
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He → put → this
He got off the train and walked briskly towards Whitehall.
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He → get → Whitehall
Then he "realised I hadn't got the folder...
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I → realise → folder
it just felt for a moment like the world had stopped."
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world → feel → moment
Jackson went to every station the train stopped at and asked whether someone had handed a folder in.
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someone → go → folder
Everything, every movement felt very jerky...
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movement → feel → ?
I felt sick."
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I → feel → ?
He didn't outwardly break down until he saw Maddie: "I told her I'd ruined our lives.
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I → break → lives
She just held me.
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She → hold → me
She told me it would be all right and we'd get through this."
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we → tell → this
At work the next day, Jackson discovered the documents had been found and handed to the BBC.
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documents → discover → BBC
Jackson says his first sense was "relief in that the papers were back somewhere safe" before the realisation "it was now going to be public".
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it → say → realisation
And they [the Civil Service] suspended me, pending an investigation."
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they → suspend → investigation
Jackson hid away at home.
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Jackson → hide → home
One lunchtime, Maddie found him sitting cross-legged on the sofa sobbing.
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him → find → sofa
"I'd spent the morning trying to find a painless way to die," he says, "I've often thought what would have happened if she hadn't come home that lunchtime… but I guess I'll never know.
"
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I → spend → way
We spent that afternoon talking… and I think that was the first time where I thought, 'if I'm going to get through this, I can't do it on my own'."
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I → spend → own
The Cabinet Office found it was an act of gross misconduct and demoted him three grades.
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it → find → grades
He was charged under the Official Secrets Act, avoided jail, and was fined £2,500.
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He → charge → 2,500
But Jackson could not shake the feelings of shame, regret and humiliation.
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Jackson → shake → shame
He credits the many people who cared about him for helping him piece his life back together.
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him → credit → life
"I fixed very little myself.
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I → fix → little
…and 26 more, not listed.
The Aporia
