It happens every October.
asserted
It → happen → ?
The beaches are still beautiful, people are walking around in shorts and the weather is perfectly suited to doing absolutely nothing.
asserted
weather → walk → nothing
Yet a certain population of men has begun preparing for winter as though they’ve received classified intelligence about an approaching invasion.
asserted
they → begin → invasion
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He’s been shopping for new snowboard pants, securing his Ikon Pass and studying winter forecasts with the intensity of a man preparing to launch a satellite.
asserted
He → sign → satellite
Apparently, El Niño is coming, and every snowboarder in California would like to know exactly what that means for powder.
asserted
that → come → powder
Not whether the gutters need cleaning.
asserted
gutters → need → ?
Suddenly, the weather has become a matter of enormous personal significance to men who spent the summer wearing flip-flops and forgetting to put on sunscreen.
asserted
who → become → sunscreen
I have learned more about projected snowfall in the Eastern Sierra than I ever expected to know.
asserted
I → learn → Sierra
Mammoth is no longer a mountain; it’s a developing situation.
asserted
it → ’ → ?
Big Bear is on standby, and every storm system forming over the Pacific is being evaluated for its potential to interfere with ordinary human relationships.
asserted
system → form → relationships
This is one of the great contradictions of living in Southern California.
asserted
This → live → California
We have beaches, palm trees, year-round sunshine and people who pull out their UGG boots when the temperature drops below 65 degrees.
asserted
temperature → have → degrees
Yet the moment snow appears in the forecast, an entire subculture begins planning to drive several hours into freezing temperatures, strap themselves to a board and repeatedly throw themselves down a mountain.
asserted
subculture → appear → mountain
There are boards to wax, bindings to adjust, boots to inspect, jackets to evaluate and apparently pants that are no longer sufficient for the upcoming season despite looking exactly like last year’s pants.
asserted
that → be → pants
The Ikon Pass must be secured.
asserted
Pass → secure → ?
Group chats must be activated.
asserted
chats → activate → ?
Road conditions must be monitored.
asserted
conditions → monitor → ?
“What do I need to sleep in my car?”
Excuse me?
asserted
need → need → me
Some of us have mortgages, retirement accounts and preferred brands of orthopedic pillows.
asserted
Some → have → pillows
Yet grown men are once again discussing whether they can comfortably spend the night folded into the back of a vehicle so they can wake up at dawn and chase fresh snow.
asserted
they → discuss → snow
Apparently the answer involves sleeping bags, insulated pads, layers and a willingness to disregard several decades of personal comfort.
asserted
answer → involve → comfort
All I know is that the answer does not involve me.
asserted
answer → know → me
I am absolutely willing to accompany someone to the mountains.
asserted
I → accompany → mountains
I enjoy snow.
asserted
I → enjoy → snow
I enjoy beautiful scenery.
asserted
I → enjoy → scenery
I particularly enjoy sitting beside a fireplace with a hot toddy while watching other people engage in vigorous outdoor activities.
asserted
people → enjoy → activities
I will even wear a cute sweater.
asserted
I → wear → sweater
However, I will be staying in a hotel or a ski lodge.
asserted
I → stay → hotel
Somewhere with a bathroom, a mattress and preferably a person whose job involves bringing me beverages.
asserted
job → involve → beverages
You and the boys have fun in the parking lot.
asserted
You → have → lot
I’ll see you at après-ski.
asserted
I → see → ski
What fascinates me most is the sudden transformation in these men.
asserted
fascinates → fascinate → men
The same person who cannot commit to dinner plans three weeks in advance will happily organize an elaborate mountain expedition based on a weather forecast that might change by Thursday.
uncertain
that → commit → Thursday
He may not know what he’s doing for Thanksgiving, but he knows exactly where his snowboard is.
uncertain
snowboard → know → Thanksgiving
He’s already bought it a new roof box.
asserted
He → buy → box
A man who ordinarily considers a two-hour drive an unreasonable burden will cheerfully leave Los Angeles in the middle of the night to reach Mammoth before the lifts open.
asserted
lifts → consider → Mammoth
It’s the annual migration of the Southern California snowboarder, a creature uniquely adapted to living at sea level while emotionally residing at 9,000 feet.
asserted
It → ’ → feet
I have to admit, there’s something wonderful about it.
asserted
I → have → it
In a city where so many of us spend our lives staring at screens, worrying about work, and trying to optimize every waking minute, these men are genuinely excited about going outside and playing in the snow.
asserted
men → spend → snow
They have found something that makes them feel like children again, even if that means sleeping in their cars like college students who have misplaced their dorm keys.
asserted
who → find → keys
…and 6 more, not listed.
The Aporia
