When my eldest daughter was a teenager and started going to parties, I began to worry about her getting wasted and being vulnerable.
asserted
her → start → parties
She wouldn’t be so stupid, she told me in the confident way of a teenager.
asserted
she → tell → teenager
It might not be up to her, I said.
uncertain
I → say → her
Then, as I shared with her a story from my teenage life, she helped me realise something that I’d hidden from myself all these years.
asserted
I → share → myself
My story went back to a night when I was 15 and went to a party with a girlfriend.
asserted
I → go → girlfriend
Everyone else was a year or two older and from a different school – so I wanted to be liked by them.
asserted
I → want → them
I had drunk too much and kissed a boy who was similarly drunk, before we both threw up.
asserted
we → drink → boy
But what I couldn’t remember was how later that night I had ended up with a different boy in the alley behind the house where the party was.
asserted
party → remember → house
We hadn’t been talking.
asserted
We → talk → ?
We’d never met before.
asserted
We → meet → ?
Decades later, I still wonder, how did he get me away from the party?
asserted
he → wonder → party
Was he watching me and spotted an opportunity?
asserted
he → watch → opportunity
Did he suggest some fresh air?
asserted
he → suggest → air
And then there was a doorway and a bit of concrete and him offering me two choices of what he was about to do.
asserted
he → be → what
As a parent, I now recognise this as a “no choice” choice.
asserted
I → recognise → choice
It’s the same as when you ask a child if they want the blue socks or the pink socks.
asserted
they → ’ → socks
Either way, they put on the socks and you get what you want.
asserted
you → put → what
And that’s what happened in the alleyway too.
asserted
what → ’ → alleyway
After I don’t know how long, I heard someone calling my name.
asserted
someone → know → name
It was also the name of the pet dog at the party house and it took me a while to realise it was my girlfriend looking for me.
asserted
it → take → me
I called out and we left the party for home.
asserted
we → call → home
It was at this point in my story that my daughter interjected: “Mum, you were assaulted.”
asserted
you → interject → story
In the late ’80s it was considered by my peers that simply being present was consent.
asserted
being → consider → peers
Now I suddenly realised that I hadn’t consented that night.
asserted
I → realise → ?
I hadn’t been in any state to do so.
asserted
I → do → state
At the time, there had been a reaction to what had happened from those around me.
asserted
what → happen → me
In the language of the time, I had “gotten with” a boy from my friend’s school after kissing another one.
asserted
I → get → one
The next day there was something about how she and others said the boy’s name that made me wonder if maybe he had a bad reputation.
asserted
he → be → reputation
I can still hear the girls repeating his first and last name and see them giving each other a look, shaking their heads slightly.
asserted
them → hear → heads
They were more concerned that the boy I’d kissed earlier in the backyard was a popular girl’s boyfriend.
asserted
I → kiss → backyard
Responses to the Cornell University case – by commentators and on social media – have been packed with people criticising an American college student for not calling her experience rape right off the bat.
asserted
Responses → pack → bat
There were weeks between the night she’d arrived, drunk, at the frat house party and went upstairs with one man who turned into many, and her complaint to campus police.
asserted
who → be → police
It can take a long time to figure out what’s happened to the body you’re in – a body that is coping and learning from everything it goes through.
asserted
it → take → everything
The story you’ve told yourself and others can shift in unpredictable ways.
asserted
you → tell → ways
My experience was worlds away from what Cornell University’s Jane Doe allegedly endured at that 2024 party.
uncertain
Doe → endure → party
In some ways I’m grateful.
asserted
I → ’m → ways
I was taken to an alley before there were mobile phones or chat groups and thank God for that.
asserted
I → take → that
Yet it still feels like they are all around us, poking and grabbing without asking.
asserted
they → feel → us
Sexual assault and violence happens everywhere and reported rates are higher now than 30 years ago.
asserted
rates → happen → ?
Globally, one in three women is subjected to it in her lifetime.
asserted
women → subject → lifetime
…and 11 more, not listed.
The Aporia
