While on the journey to perform Hajj, the Muslim pilgrimage to Makkah (Mecca), I realised that Hajj was asking something much deeper of me.
asserted
Hajj → perform → me
It was asking me to leave behind not only my home and possessions, but also my pride, attachments, fears and illusions of control.
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It → ask → control
When I entered ihram — the sacred state pilgrims enter, symbolised by simple clothing — I felt that something within me was being stripped away.
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something → enter → me
The distinctions by which I sometimes measure myself seemed to lose meaning.
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I → measure → meaning
I noticed that my nationality, education, appearance and social position became insignificant.
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nationality → notice → ?
I found myself standing before Allah (God) dressed simply, vulnerable and equal.
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myself → find → Allah
The simplicity of ihram also made me think about the transience of this life.
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me → make → life
When I first saw the Kaaba, the sacred structure at the heart of the Grand Mosque in Makkah towards which Muslims around the world pray, I struggled to put my emotions into words.
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I → see → words
I had spent my life turning towards it in prayer, but suddenly I was standing before it.
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I → spend → it
For a moment, the distance between what I had known intellectually and what I was experiencing spiritually disappeared.
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I → know → what
I felt small and humbled.
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I → feel → ?
I couldn’t stop crying.
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I → stop → ?
During Tawaf, the ritual of walking seven times around the Kaaba, I began to reflect on what occupies the centre of my life.
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what → walk → life
I was physically circling the House of Allah, but inwardly I was asking myself: What does my heart revolve around?
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heart → circle → What
That question stayed with me.
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question → stay → me
Tawaf taught me that faith is not simply about where I turn my body during prayer.
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I → teach → prayer
It is about where I turn my heart when I am scared and where I place my hopes when I am uncertain.
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I → turn → hopes
I realised that true spirituality must be lived, not merely spoken.
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spirituality → realise → ?
The Sa’i — walking between the hills of Safa and Marwah — touched me differently.
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Sa’i → walk → me
It recalls the story of Hajar, who searched desperately for water for her infant son in the desert.
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who → recall → desert
Her story taught me that tawakkul, or trust in Allah, does not mean passivity.
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tawakkul → teach → passivity
Her footsteps reflected both effort and complete trust in Allah.
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footsteps → reflect → Allah
I thought about the person I had been, the person I had become and the person I still hoped to be.
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I → think → person
I remembered the blessings I had taken for granted and the countless ways Allah had been merciful to me despite my shortcomings.
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Allah → remember → shortcomings
That thought changed the way I looked at my worldly ambitions.
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I → change → ambitions
I do not believe Hajj taught me to abandon the world.
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Hajj → believe → world
It taught me not to let the world possess my heart.
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world → teach → heart
Standing among thousands of pilgrims also softened my understanding of others.
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Standing → stand → others
I realised how little I knew about the struggles carried by those around me: the elderly person walking slowly, the exhausted mother carrying her child, and the person quietly making du’a — a personal prayer to God.
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I → realise → God
Returning home was bittersweet.
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Returning → return → ?
The physical journey was over, but the real question was beginning: What will remain when the memories fade?
It is easy to be spiritual in Makkah.
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It → begin → Makkah
It is harder to preserve that spirituality in ordinary life.
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It → preserve → life
It is easy to cry during worship; it is harder to overcome contempt.
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it → cry → contempt
It is easy to make promises to Allah in sacred places; it is harder to keep them when life becomes comfortable again.
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life → make → them
That, I believe, is the true test of Hajj.
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I → believe → Hajj
When I think of Hajj now, I remember the Kaaba, the crowds, the heat, the prayers and the long walks.
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I → think → Kaaba
I remember the humility of ihram, the movement of Tawaf and the transient nature of life.
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I → remember → life
I remember that I am a traveller.
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I → remember → ?
Essan Dileri is a Rotary Peace Fellow, intercultural advisor and author of Raised in Conflict, sharing first-hand stories from his native Afghanistan.
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Dileri → raise → Afghanistan
The Aporia
