Waking in a cold sweat, it took me a good half an hour to realise the dream had been just that – or, more accurately, a nightmare.
asserted
dream → wake → hour
Had I really gone out drinking and snorted line after line of cocaine, ending up passed out in bed, unable to move?
asserted
I → go → bed
After all, by this stage I’d been in recovery from my addiction for weeks, and my sobriety was a precious thing.
But the brain plays tricks on you when you’re recovering from severe drug addiction, and these dreams are all too common.
asserted
dreams → play → addiction
It’s now been a year since I faced my crippling cocaine addiction head on.
asserted
I → face → addiction
It had robbed me of my career, my looks and my self-respect – and I had even attempted to take my own life.
asserted
I → rob → life
To use the cliche, recovery has been a journey, full of highs I’d never have imagined possible, and sacrifices I never thought I’d have to make.
asserted
I → use → highs
Now, for the first time in years, I’m finally ready to say I will never use again.
asserted
I → ’m → years
It had started in the summer of 2019.
asserted
It → start → 2019
Until then, while I’d enjoyed a drink and socialising with friends, I’d never touched drugs.
asserted
I → enjoy → drugs
Then one night, out in Manchester with a new friend, she offered me a line in the toilets.
asserted
she → offer → toilets
Her social circle seemed so glamorous, and I wanted to fit in, so I tentatively accepted.
asserted
I → seem → ?
Immediately, I felt energised and confident.
asserted
I → feel → ?
To the extent that I drank far less than usual; the next day I didn’t even have a hangover.
asserted
I → drink → hangover
It’s now been a year since I faced my crippling cocaine addiction head on, says Bethany Nicholson
And so a line or two soon became as normal as a couple of cocktails with my girlfriends.
asserted
line → face → girlfriends
I began a relationship with a man who also used, and my habit quickly went from a few lines on an evening out to snorting the drug on the sofa.
asserted
habit → begin → sofa
Soon, if I didn’t use, I’d feel lethargic and paranoid.
asserted
I → use → ?
I needed cocaine to survive any social situation, even Sunday lunch with my family.
asserted
I → need → family
I’d been working freelance as a social media manager, but I lost clients as I’d repeatedly call in sick after a binge.
asserted
I → work → binge
Soon I was reliant on Universal Credit to pay the bills – and my dealer.
asserted
I → pay → bills
I hit rock bottom in December 2024.
asserted
I → hit → December
A close friend died suddenly.
asserted
friend → die → ?
Cocaine had become my way of dealing with difficult emotions, but this was too much.
asserted
this → become → emotions
Two months later I tried to take my own life.
asserted
I → try → life
I couldn’t see any way out of the misery and anxiety I felt, or the debt to my dealer.
asserted
I → see → dealer
It might sound shocking but that suicide attempt was the beginning of a new start for me.
uncertain
attempt → sound → me
I was sectioned, and had to come clean to my family about the extent of my addiction.
asserted
I → section → addiction
They were shocked but it explained my irritable behaviour and increasing isolation over recent years.
asserted
it → shock → years
The mental health team set me up with a counsellor, who said that I probably had undiagnosed ADHD.
asserted
I → set → ADHD
I was discharged into a recovery programme in my community, and started attending Cocaine Anonymous meetings each week.
asserted
I → discharge → meetings
It was here I realised that cocaine addiction really can touch anyone.
asserted
addiction → realise → anyone
I found myself sitting in a circle with business owners, lawyers and chief executives, many of them women and mothers, ranging from their 20s to 50s, who had fallen into the drug’s clutches.
asserted
who → find → clutches
Dinner parties, mums’ coffee mornings, offices, bars – cocaine is everywhere that women gather.
asserted
women → gather → ?
While these support networks proved a lifeline, I’d be lying if I said recovery was easy.
asserted
recovery → prove → ?
The first week was the easiest, fuelled by my new zeal for sobriety.
asserted
week → fuel → sobriety
But by the end of the second week, I’d had my first relapse.
asserted
I → have → relapse
I was meeting up with friends and convinced myself I deserved a ‘treat’ for having lasted so long.
asserted
I → meet → treat
I told myself the fact I was doing it with friends, rather than alone, made it fine.
asserted
it → tell → friends
I woke up feeling horrendous.
asserted
I → wake → ?
Filled with shame, I had to tell my mum, who was understandably distressed.
asserted
who → fill → mum
Bethany on Day 1 of her sobriety after years of irritable behaviour and increasing isolation
On Day 365, Bethany's appearance reflects how she feels inside: healthy and glowing
This is my greatest advice to anyone supporting someone going through recovery.
asserted
This → increase → recovery
…and 39 more, not listed.
The Aporia
