As I approach middle age, with a small child to entertain, Lord save me from the inevitable hell of another Center Parcs mini break.
asserted
Lord → approach → break
In fact, scrap that: at least Hell is probably always warm and there would be a few fun people there.
asserted
Hell → scrap → that
Instead, a holiday in Center Parcs is a never-ending grey-skied, pine-filled purgatory, teeming with either the most ghastly, gurning, smug, self-satisfied drones you could ever meet, or those counting down the hours of ‘forced family fun’ until they can crack open a drink.
uncertain
they → end → drink
Clad in sportswear, the former cycle their hired, creaking bikes, merrily unaware of what berks they look in their attempt to appear ‘active’, while witlessly traversing a Tarmac path through hastily planted young woodland on the edge of Milton Keynes.
asserted
they → clothe → Keynes
In the evening, having done their time, the latter eat in themed restaurants, joylessly knocking back Heineken (at almost £8 a pint).
asserted
latter → do → 8
As I have watched these men, I am reminded of the rumour that circulates in some circles that wives will countenance certain ‘non-vanilla’ sexual practices that they would never consent to at home – but only if their husbands agree to a holiday in Center Parcs.
asserted
husbands → watch → Parcs
(If you don’t believe me, just check Mumsnet, where a conversation has been going on for many years about this very topic.)
asserted
conversation → believe → topic
All of which explains why I am hardly impressed by the news Center Parcs has been given planning permission for its first holiday village in Scotland, near Hawick in the Borders.
asserted
Parcs → explain → Borders
I can say this with conviction: Center Parcs is the worst place in the world.
asserted
Parcs → say → world
I know this because I, too, have seen the dark side.
asserted
I → know → side
A holiday in Center Parcs is a never-ending grey-skied, pine-filled purgatory, writes Annie Kinsella
I can say this with conviction: Center Parcs is the worst place in the world.
asserted
Parcs → end → world
I know this because I, too, have seen the dark side.
asserted
I → know → side
Three times
Thrice I have been duped by the lie that a good time can be had with family and friends in man-made forests just off the M1, all squeezed into a soulless log cabin not much bigger than any of our respective living rooms.
asserted
all → dupe → rooms
I didn’t know any better and probably didn’t have much say in it.
asserted
I → know → it
Taken by the parents of a friend, and their friends with children of a similar age, we teenagers passed the weekend swimming and stealing bikes during the day.
asserted
we → take → day
By night, we disappeared into the woodland after pilfering from the inordinate stash of booze our families had smuggled in the back of their cars, leaving our mothers and fathers to neck Chablis on the leatherette sofas.
asserted
families → disappear → sofas
The second time, I should have known better.
asserted
I → know → ?
In my early 30s, male friends with boring wives who don’t allow them to drink suggested a couples’ holiday to celebrate the birthday of one of the poor beleaguered blokes.
uncertain
them → bore → blokes
It was always going to end badly but still I went.
asserted
I → go → ?
Pitched to one of their wives as an ‘active, wholesome holiday’, I was shuffled off with the women to take part in endless games of badminton which we had to book six months previously, while the blokes went to a sports bar to ‘watch the game’ and guzzle overpriced beer from noon.
asserted
blokes → pitch → noon
When eventually they wobbled back to meet us for dinner at one of the faceless ‘Italians’ or ‘Indians’, I forget which, one of them promptly fell asleep at the table.
asserted
one → wobble → table
The rest of the meal passed in silence.
asserted
rest → pass → silence
But we had booked a lodge with a hot tub and a sauna – for about £2,000 for four nights – and so were duty bound to use it!
asserted
we → book → it
Back we filed, the men stuffed to the gullet on focaccia (or naan?) and beer, to strip semi-naked and stew fragrantly alongside each other in a human soup of mute awkwardness.
asserted
men → file → awkwardness
One of our party later passed out in the sauna.
asserted
One → pass → sauna
Center Parcs opened its first UK resort at Sherwood Forest in 1987.
asserted
Parcs → open → 1987
The third time, I went with my own family.
asserted
I → go → family
It was a last-minute decision and, having failed to book any of the activities in time, we were resigned to spending the weekend in the dreaded glass dome that will be familiar to all devotees of Center Parcs.
asserted
that → fail → Parcs
It’s the one thing you don’t have to pay for separately – the deceptively named Subtropical Swimming Paradise.
asserted
you → ’ → ?
In reality, this is where all hope goes to die.
asserted
hope → go → reality
It features a ‘pool’ which is actually a wide, sloped basin, which erupts into a wave machine at a minute’s notice.
asserted
which → feature → notice
Your only warning is the haunting, pre-recorded cry of what presumably is meant to be Tarzan, from which point you have exactly 60 seconds to fight your way past the bobbing masses back to ‘shore’, in order to avoid being smashed mercilessly against the cement ‘rocks’.
asserted
you → mean → rocks
If you don’t fancy that appealing prospect, you can instead experience the Wild Water Rapids, where you will be hurled ferociously down a perilous outdoor aquatic ride by the sheer force of water – and the weight of a portly man inevitably named Darren (I only know this because his wife is usually screaming his name as she hurtles alongside him), who barrels apologetically behind you, while your skin is ripped off as it scrapes against the sides.
asserted
it → fancy → sides
If you are a thrill-seeker you can take your life in your hands by hopping on the Typhoon, a two-seater tube ride, during which, I swear, I glimpsed God.
asserted
I → take → God
And if that sounds too energetic, you can squeeze your pimpled thighs into an inflatable ‘donut’ on the Lazy River.
asserted
you → sound → River
Here you’ll try to bob nonchalantly alongside your fellow park-goers and pretend you don’t notice when a red-faced and embarrassed woman spills out of her swimsuit as she battles to free herself from the rubber ring as you wait to disembark.
asserted
you → try → ring
The kids love it, obviously.
asserted
kids → love → it
And that is why I now face my 40s with the grim realisation that my time at Center Parcs is not over.
asserted
time → face → Parcs
I will have to go again.
asserted
I → have → ?
Because that is what you do when you are middle-aged, think you are middle class and have a child.
asserted
you → do → child
…and 2 more, not listed.
The Aporia
