Katie Zacharia, the new White House press secretary, made her debut on the podium on Tuesday with all the warmth, wisdom and political dexterity of an AI avatar.
asserted
Zacharia → make → avatar
With an eerie lack of emotion, she served up pro-Trump talking points, took only three questions and vanished after 14 minutes.
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she → serve → minutes
It was like the West Wing had turned into uncanny valley.
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Wing → turn → valley
The 41-year-old claims to be a lawyer but later a reporter asked when she passed the bar exam and she gave the unconvincing answer: “When I moved to China.”
uncertain
I → claim → China
She was plucked from relative obscurity for the White House job after a brief gig at the Department of Homeland Security and a stint at the Trump Media and Technology Group.
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She → pluck → Group
Wearing a dark jacket with big gold buttons on Tuesday morning, she entered the standing-room-only briefing room and stepped on to the podium as Trump’s sixth press secretary.
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she → wear → secretary
For James Bond fans, that means we’ve reached the Daniel Craig era.
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we → mean → era
For Doctor Who fans, it means the regeneration that brought us Colin Baker (not the show’s golden age).
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that → mean → Baker
Zacharia has the blond hair, glossy makeup and Fox News aesthetic of her immediate predecessors Kayleigh McEnany and Karoline Leavitt (her name also begins with a “K” – surely a tell to the AI detectors).
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name → have → detectors
But it was Trump’s first press secretary, Sean Spicer, to whom she inadvertently paid homage.
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she → pay → homage
“Attendance is at record highs as enthusiastic, hard-working Americans are lining up and packing arenas to support President Trump and Republicans,” she said of Trump’s campaign rallies, echoing Spicer’s debut that falsely boasted of the biggest inaugural crowd ever.
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that → work → crowd
The Zachbot read from prepared notes about Trump’s many great accomplishments, awkwardly glancing up at her audience less than she should, smiling at odd moments and putting the emphasis on all the wrong words.
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she → read → words
“A great relationship …” (looks down, sighs, sounds like her cat just died) “with Venezuela”.
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cat → look → Venezuela
At least Leavitt had delivered her propaganda hot.
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Leavitt → deliver → propaganda
Evidently Trump’s communications team have found new and ingenious ways to torture reporters.
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team → find → reporters
Then came questions, first from rightwing Breitbart News, then rightwing Fox News, whose correspondent Peter Doocy wondered whether the US had stopped sharing intelligence with Ukraine.
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US → come → Ukraine
The Zachbot froze for a millisecond.
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Zachbot → freeze → millisecond
“I will have to get back to you on that,” came the auto response.
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response → have → that
Next up was the rightwing Daily Mail, asking about an alleged bribery scandal involving Kimberly Guilfoyle, the US ambassador to Greece, ex-fiancee of Donald Trump Jr and notorious screamer of “The best is yet to come!”
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best → ask → Jr
The Zachbot said coldly: “We have asked Ambassador Guilfoyle to resign.
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We → say → Guilfoyle
She has been a wonderful asset to the team and we wish her well.”
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we → wish → her
She nodded awkwardly.
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She → nod → ?
It was like every dystopian sci-fi film where the machine informs some hapless human that they will be terminated in 10 seconds.
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they → inform → seconds
The Mail followed up with “a personal question” that would surely never be asked of a male press secretary: “Your family is in California.
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family → follow → California
I’m wondering how you are going to manage that.”
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you → wonder → that
The Zachbot gave her husband a shout-out and said she loved being with her children.
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she → give → children
“The idea of not spending evenings with my kids is completely unacceptable.
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idea → spend → kids
So my president – excuse me, my husband – that’s a good one.”
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that → excuse → me
Had someone spilled coffee on a cool, pitiless datacenter somewhere out in the California desert?
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someone → spill → desert
The Zachbot went on: “President Trump is the most family-friendly president we have ever had.
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we → go → ?
He has hired more women with families and the fact that he knew I had four kids and he knew this job would be demanding and still placed his trust in me shows I know I’m capable of being able to step up to that.”
Then she stunned everyone by wrapping it up and pledging that Trump would soon answer questions on the South Lawn.
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Trump → hire → Lawn
It was a tacit admission that the press secretary job is pointless when there is a president who talks all the time.
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who → be → ?
But ironically, although the Zachbot took far fewer questions than others on their debut, she made more news with her Guilfoyle announcement.
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she → take → announcement
How long can she last?
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she → last → ?
Trump said soon after: “I thought she was very good.”
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she → say → ?
But the Lincoln Project, an anti-Trump group, tweeted an image of the Zachbot beside a lettuce to evoke Liz Truss, who lasted only 49 days as British prime minister.
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who → tweet → minister
And Anthony Scaramucci, who was Trump’s communications director for just 11 days, a period now known as “a Scaramucci”, tweeted: “The clock is running.
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clock → know → Scaramucci
When the Mooch is giving you the Grim Reaper treatment, it might be time to self-terminate.
uncertain
it → give → treatment
The Aporia
