‘Why did you go to school that day?’: Mother of Dawson shooting victim reflects 20 years later
Louise De Sousa still lives with the what-ifs 2 decades after daughter's death
asserted
Sousa → go → death
The grief of losing her daughter in a mass shooting at Montreal's Dawson College has weighed heavily on Louise De Sousa for nearly two decades.
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grief → lose → decades
As the 20th anniversary of the shooting approaches, De Sousa still finds herself wondering about the life her daughter Anastasia might have lived.
uncertain
daughter → approach → life
The what-ifs surface on ordinary days, but especially during family milestones, including births and weddings.
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ifs → surface → births
“You always think back on that day and the what-ifs.
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You → think → day
Where would she have been in her life career-wise, married, children?” De Sousa wonders.
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Sousa → wonder → life
If she could speak to her daughter again, there are many things De Sousa says she would tell her.
uncertain
she → speak → her
But she would ask one question:
"Why did you go to school that day, why didn't you skip?"
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you → ask → school
The last day
In her living room, surrounded by photographs of her loved ones, including some of Anastasia, De Sousa recalls the last morning she saw her daughter alive.
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daughter → live → morning
On Sept. 13, 2006, she went into her 18-year-old’s bubblegum-pink bedroom and asked if she wanted a ride to school, but Anastasia didn’t need one.
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Anastasia → go → one
Later that day, a man would enter the school and open fire, killing Anastasia and injuring 19 people.
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man → enter → people
De Sousa first learned about the shooting from coworkers while she was having lunch in her workplace cafeteria.
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she → learn → cafeteria
She and other family members tried calling Anastasia, but there was no answer.
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She → try → Anastasia
What's changed, and what hasn't since the Dawson shooting
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what → change → shooting
'Sadness, homage and hope' one year after Dawson shooting
De Sousa went to the hospital after learning that injured people had been taken there.
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people → go → hospital
Hours passed and it was at 9 p.m. that she received confirmation that Anastasia had died.
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Anastasia → pass → confirmation
“That night when we came home, I remember we were all crying.
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we → come → ?
You could hear everybody crying in their bed and I'm waiting for the door to open to say: “Mom, I'm here,” De Sousa said.
uncertain
Sousa → hear → bed
Living with grief
The days that followed her death were “a daze.”
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that → live → death
But thankfully, De Sousa had her family.
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Sousa → have → family
For her, moving through grief has meant going to therapy with her husband and supporting one another in the family.
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moving → move → family
Every year, De Sousa and her immediate family gather at the cemetery with Hayder Kadhim — a survivor of the Dawson shooting who was shot in the head — and his family.
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who → gather → head
For De Sousa, being surrounded by people who knew her daughter — and her granddaughters who never got to meet "Auntie Anastasia" — brings comfort.
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who → surround → comfort
They take a moment to stand together and talk to her; a ritual De Sousa carries into her home, too.
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Sousa → take → home
De Sousa says she talks to Anastasia every night.
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she → say → Anastasia
“There's not a day that goes by without her, without thinking of her or talking to her,” she said.
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she → be → her
“I can't fall asleep at night if I don't speak to her.”
And what she misses most is her daughter’s laugh.
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misses → fall → what
“She had this laughter that was so contagious.
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that → have → laughter
She would start laughing and, to tell a story, sometimes she never got through her story.
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she → start → story
But you were laughing now.”
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you → laugh → ?
Keeping Anastasia’s spirit alive
Although Anastasia has been gone for nearly two decades, De Sousa says she still feels her presence around the house.
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she → keep → house
In the smell of her perfume – even when no one has sprayed it.
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one → spray → it
In the bubblegum-pink strip of paint the family left in Anastasia’s room after repainting it.
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family → leave → it
In the songs she used to listen to.
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she → use → songs
“I hear songs from Sean Paul and all these old songs that she used to love back in the early 2000s and I see her singing it with her sister and her brother,” De Sousa said.
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Sousa → hear → sister
Sometimes, she says, she sees shadows or hears someone call out “Mom” when she is alone in the house.
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she → say → house
“I always tell myself: 'Oh OK, she's in here.
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she → tell → myself
She came.'
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She → come → ?
At times, De Sousa even places an extra plate on the table, absentmindedly, and leaves it there when she realizes what she’s done.
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she → place → what
Channeling grief into advocacy
After her daughter’s death, De Sousa became an advocate with PolySeSouvient — a prominent Canadian gun-control advocacy group founded in 1989 following the École Polytechnique massacre in Montreal.
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Sousa → channel → Montreal
…and 11 more, not listed.
The Aporia
