The article discusses the unpleasantness and perceived antiquity of colonoscopies despite advancements in medical technology. The author, having experienced multiple colonoscopy preparations, details their latest preparation routine, which includes a "white diet" and consumption of Picosalax laxatives. They express frustration with the taste and preparation process but acknowledge its importance for detecting and preventing colorectal cancer.
Written locally by qwen2.5:14b on 2026-10-09,
using this article's own text rather than the other coverage of the
same event (that is the story summary below).
Story summary
In the world of advanced Western medicine, where organ transplants and regenerative treatments are common, the colonoscopy remains an unpleasant standard procedure for checking gut health and removing polyps. While there are alternatives like scans and stool tests, these methods aren't as effective at detecting issues early on. A writer proposed a "super-enema" called the "frenema," but discovered it was already conceived and wouldn't be sufficient to replace colonoscopies entirely.
The preparation for a colonoscopy, involving extensive bowel cleansing, is particularly challenging. One patient's experience in a southern Italian hospital included undergoing the procedure without anesthesia, highlighting the discomfort associated with this test. Despite its drawbacks, medical journals consider the colonoscopy essential due to its accuracy and preventive benefits against colorectal cancer.
Written for “Medical Test Criticism” on 2026-10-09,
grounded in this article and the 0 other(s) covering the same event.
In the slick world of Western medicine, where hearts are transplanted and organs regrown, you would have thought some brainiac would have invented an alternative to the colonoscopy by now.
asserted
brainiac → transplant → colonoscopy
I know there are many other ways of investigating the bowel, like scans and stool tests.
asserted
I → know → scans
I even came up with the brilliant idea of creating a super-enema to help with preparation.
asserted
I → come → preparation
I was going to call it the frenema – as in the “friendly enema”.
asserted
I → go → enema
Before I applied for this patent that would pump squillions into the family trust, I did my due diligence.
asserted
I → apply → diligence
I Googled to see if it had been thought of before.
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it → google → ?
Yes, it had, and no, this wouldn’t work as an alternative since it would only clear the lower bowel.
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it → have → bowel
As many a medical journal will tell you, the colonoscopy is the “gold standard” for checking your gut and simultaneously shearing away any polyps.
asserted
colonoscopy → tell → polyps
I see a gilt-lined intestine leading to a gilt-lined BMW in the doctors’ car park.
asserted
I → see → park
But, of course, it’s not the colonoscopy per se that’s the problem – unless you’re my friend who had one in a southern Italian hospital WITHOUT anaesthetic.
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who → ’ → anaesthetic
As those who’ve experienced it know, it’s the preparation.
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it → experience → it
Although it’s vital to prepare well for this important procedure that saves lives – so don’t stop doing it – it doesn’t mean you have to love it.
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you → ’ → it
I certainly don’t, but this being my sixth colonoscopy, I’ve decided to look on it as a kind of Alice-in-Wonderland adventure that will so distract me I won’t even notice the yucky stuff.
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I → do → stuff
This means that everything I eat must be light and white – rice, yoghurt, white bread – so no alarming colours show up in the plumbing.
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colours → mean → plumbing
Sounds easy enough, but what if I want my white bread toasted?
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bread → sound → ?
And what if I accidentally burn the toast to BLACK?
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I → burn → BLACK
In theory, it’s still white bread.
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it → ’ → theory
I scratch around for a suitable spread.
asserted
I → scratch → spread
Peanut butter won’t do and Vegemite would be a disaster.
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Vegemite → do → ?
I’d surely be arrested by the stool police.
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I → arrest → police
Maybe I’m overthinking all this, but I want to do my best for my lovely gut doctor, GastroDoc.
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I → overthinke → doctor
The one who, during consults, ends every sentence with “Does that make sense?”
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that → end → sense
I’m so gleefully counting the times she says this that I totally ignore what comes before it.
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what → count → it
Um, actually, it doesn’t make sense …
In the afternoon before the big probe, I’m to take three packets of Picosalax at hourly intervals, starting at three.
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I → make → three
They want me to add this powdery laxative to a warm glass of water and then … stick it in the fridge to cool down (the second weirdness.)
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me → want → weirdness
Can’t I just use cold water and be done with it?
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I → use → it
Then I have to drink half of a large dam to make the powdery stuff thunder through my bowels.
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stuff → have → bowels
It may as well say DRINK ME, like Alice’s mystery potion.
uncertain
It → say → potion
I’ll pause here for a short rant.
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I → pause → rant
Why oh why do they have to make this mixture taste so bad that you need to pinch your nose or suck it through a straw or suck on a barley sugar to cope?
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you → have → sugar
The same applies to cat and dog tablets that taste so foul you have to plunge them deeply into your beloved pet’s dinner so they gulp them down unaware.
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they → apply → them
(They always find them and leave them licked clean in the middle of the plate like it’s some weirdo game invented by humans.)
The first hour goes by and all’s quiet.
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all → find → humans
Now I’m up to the second sachet.
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I → ’m → sachet
I must have guts of brick just when I need them to be soft and sloppy.
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them → have → brick
What if I don’t go at all?!
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I → go → ?
The procedure next morning will have to be changed and then I’ll be up for a cancellation fee and have to do the whole thing again.
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I → have → thing
I wiggle like a belly dancer to lively up myself, as Bob Marley would say.
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Marley → wiggle → myself
It’s now five hours since I took my first sachet and I’m on the point of ringing the doctor to cancel when … the Battle of Waterloo begins.
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Battle → ’ → Waterloo
I’ve never been so delighted to see action.
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I → see → action
The battle rages well into the night – but it must not stop until the cloudiness drifts away and victory is achieved – or a “water” stool at any rate (fourth weirdness).
asserted
victory → rag → weirdness
…and 25 more, not listed.
The Aporia
