I mean, how can you have a good time when you are desperately jealous that everyone else is having a better time than you?
asserted
everyone → mean → you
And, surely, all feelings of mutual sharing and caring must evaporate when you find yourself sleeping in a wet patch, then realising it’s not your doing.
asserted
it → evaporate → patch
Group gropes are a hot topic right now because of a recent film directed by Olivia Wilde called The Invite.
asserted
gropes → direct → Wilde
Its premise is that Joe (Seth Rogen) and Angela (Wilde), a couple suffering from marital ennui, invite their new upstairs neighbours, Hawk (Edward Norton) and Piña (Penélope Cruz), down for a soufflé.
asserted
Joe → suffer → soufflé
The soufflé doesn’t rise but the topic of partner swapping does.
asserted
topic → rise → swapping
Will they or won’t they accept?
asserted
they → accept → ?
Having seen the film, it’s a question many couples are now asking themselves.
asserted
couples → see → themselves
Could you let the g-string of restraint slip nonchalantly to the floor?
uncertain
string → let → floor
It’s an exciting idea in theory, but imagine having to hold your stomach in for that long.
asserted
It → ’ → long
In the early ’80s, a girlfriend dragooned me into accompanying her to an orgy at an actor’s house in Sydney.
asserted
girlfriend → dragoon → Sydney
I was terrified.
asserted
I → terrify → ?
Even though this was the pre-AIDS, wife-swapping, car-key-parties era, the thought of group sex made me suffer from a performance anxiety I hadn’t felt since those hedonistic hours of enforced folk dancing in primary school.
asserted
I → swap → school
At least getting ready for an orgy would do away with “What to wear?” angst, right?
asserted
getting → get → angst
How could I melt into orgasmic bliss when constantly worried that someone might nick my new winter coat?
uncertain
someone → melt → coat
As if having one eye permanently trained on my jacket wasn’t stressful enough, then there were the noises emanating from the bedroom.
asserted
eye → have → bedroom
What on earth would I write on the thank-you letter?
asserted
I → write → letter
The gasping sounds reminded me of harpooned whales surfacing, simultaneously.
asserted
sounds → gasp → whales
And were those female Academy Award-winning orgasms for real?
asserted
orgasms → win → ?
How could I compete?
uncertain
I → compete → ?
Would I be left on the sexual sidelines?
asserted
I → leave → sidelines
I wished I’d brought along some knitting for the boring bits.
asserted
I → wish → bits
And what on earth would I write on the thank-you letter?
asserted
I → write → letter
My gregarious girlfriend stripped off with alacrity, then launched herself like an erotic Exocet missile onto the fleshy mound of heaving, sweating bodies spilling off the king-size water bed onto the aptly named shag pile.
asserted
girlfriend → strip → pile
A few of the fellas were showing off, contorting female partners into gravity-defying positions.
asserted
few → show → positions
I feared for their chiropractor bills.
asserted
I → fear → bills
What if some athlete’s over-exuberant attempt to find my g-spot led to a totally humiliating trip to the emergency ward?
asserted
attempt → find → ward
I made a half-hearted attempt to disrobe but having sex when you’re not in the mood is like dancing with no music.
asserted
you → make → music
A fight-or-flight response rattled through me.
asserted
response → rattle → me
I opted for social intercourse interruptus and fled.
asserted
I → opt → interruptus
But if the thought of getting naked in front of strangers intimidated me way back then, imagine doing it now with baby marks and middle-aged, baggy, saggy bits?
But a long marriage often takes on the weighty, soft-boned weariness of an aesthetic.
asserted
marriage → get → aesthetic
An orgy could act as a relationship defibrillator.
uncertain
orgy → act → defibrillator
The medical term for a female paralysed from the waist down is “marriage”.
asserted
term → paralyse → waist
It seems to me that women experience three types of sex: brand new, kitchen-table sex, followed by bedroom sex, and then hallway sex, as in when you encounter your hubby in the hallway and grumble, “Have you taken out the garbage?”
asserted
you → seem → garbage
And let’s agree that the garbage gets taken out more often than you do.
asserted
you → let → ?
If all you’re getting between the sheets is an anti-climax, then perhaps a group grope would encourage you to see your hubby in a new light?
asserted
grope → get → light
And what about how he will see you?
asserted
he → see → you
Watching another man desire you might kickstart a whole new era of marital passion; rekindling the urge to slip into something more comfortable – like each other.
uncertain
man → watch → other
But would you really find it “hot” to see your husband’s buttocks quivering like custard as he does the deed with Dianne from next door?
asserted
he → find → Dianne
I don’t think so.
asserted
I → think → ?
To my mind, what makes a man really hot is bringing you a nice cup of hot tea in the morning.
asserted
man → make → morning
…and 2 more, not listed.
The Aporia
