Journalist Meredith Lepore admits it: She really can hold a grudge.
asserted
She → admit → grudge
She says her typical grudge can last five to seven years – or even longer!
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grudge → say → years
She felt snubbed when 12 years ago friends didn't give her a bigger role in organizing a bachelorette party
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friends → snub → party
"I don't think I ever planned a bachelorette party after that," Lepore said.
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Lepore → think → that
"There was too many cooks in the kitchen, and I didn't like that."
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I → be → that
In her twenties, she took offense when a roommate yelled at her for locking herself out of their apartment.
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roommate → take → apartment
Is she still made at her?
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she → make → her
"I would have a drink with her, but I would never call her a friend," Lepore said.
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Lepore → have → her
But the granddaddy of her many grudges centers around – of all things – a birthday cake back in college: "My parents had sent me a birthday cake.
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parents → center → cake
So, I put the birthday cake in the fridge one night, and then the next morning it was gone.
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it → put → fridge
Somehow we figured out that a boy had taken it late at night – he was, like, telling people about it, and, like, boasting about it."
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he → figure → it
Asked if she's still mad about that ("It was a nice cake!"), Lepore replied, "I've held that one for a long time.
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I → ask → time
I think now I'm over it!"
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I → think → it
Lepore says she comes by her grudge-holding honestly.
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she → say → holding
"My father – nicest guy, a brilliant doctor, you know, kindest bedside manner – we've always joked that he was gonna write a book called 'Grudges I've Had,' you know, just about lifelong grudges.
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you → know → grudges
So, it runs in the family?
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it → run → family
I think it does," Lepore said.
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Lepore → think → ?
Asked about other traits that she thinks leads her to become more inclined to grudges, Lepore replied, "I am a sensitive person.
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I → ask → grudges
I think some people are much better at letting things roll off their shoulders.
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things → think → shoulders
Grudges are incredibly common, with one survey finding four out of five adults (78%) harbor some lingering resentment, with the average holding seven grudges at the same time.
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average → find → time
Psychotherapist Nancy Colier (author of the upcoming book "Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck") says, in her practice, she sees patients holding grudges every day.
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patients → let → grudges
"It is absolutely remarkable to me how small, small events can become just enormous, poisonous hives inside of someone," she said.
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she → become → someone
And those hives, says Colier, can buzz for decades: "I am working with one person who is holding on to a grudge against a high school friend – this a person in her fifties – over a scuffle to do with a boy when they were 17.
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they → say → boy
She's still furious, still walking around angry.
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She → walk → ?
"We're lighting ourselves on fire, and expecting the other person to die of smoke inhalation," Colier said.
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Colier → light → inhalation
"We have this misguided idea that we're punishing the other person."
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we → have → person
According to Harvard epidemiology professor Tyler VanderWeele, "Unforgiveness is essentially like drinking a poison and hoping the other person dies.
uncertain
person → accord → poison
It doesn't work."
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It → work → ?
VanderWeele says, whether held for a day or a decade, grudges are just bad for us: "Studies indicate greater levels of cardiovascular trouble, higher levels of depression, higher levels anxiety.
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Studies → say → anxiety
Yet, we live in an age where brazen airing of a grudge, once frowned upon, now seems almost expected.
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airing → live → grudge
"There are multiple reasons for this change," VanderWeele said.
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VanderWeele → be → change
Some of it also is an abandonment of discussions of character and what good character looks like and what good character requires."
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character → look → what
It also seems to be in fashion politically, with politicians now wearing their grudges on their sleeves.
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politicians → seem → sleeves
According to Colier, "It's very childlike."
uncertain
It → accord → Colier
At Harvard's Institute of Human Flourishing, Vanderweele focuses on one word: forgive.
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Vanderweele → focus → word
"Forgiveness is the letting-go of a grudge, the replacing of ill will towards an offender with goodwill," he said.
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he → say → goodwill
"It's not all that needs to take place to provide restoration and reconciliation, but I do think it's always appropriate.
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it → need → restoration
Have goodwill, even when one's been hurt.
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one → have → goodwill
"Anger becomes like a sickness"
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Anger → become → sickness
Author Immaculée Ilibagiza is living proof of the incredible power of forgiveness.
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Ilibagiza → live → forgiveness
…and 14 more, not listed.
The Aporia
