A humorous opinion piece from a satirical outlet critiques recent actions by Donald J. Trump, including threatening to rename Lake Ontario to "Lake America" if Canada doesn't agree to trade terms. The article also mocks the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's guidelines for reporting on 9/11, suggesting that they are downplaying the nature of the attacks. Furthermore, it questions the legitimacy of a Republican candidate in an Alaska Senate race, Dan J. Sullivan, who initially claimed his name was "Dan S. Sullivan" and seemed to try to confuse voters by sharing the same middle initial as the incumbent.
Written by the local model on 2026-08-28,
using this article's own text rather than the other coverage of the
same event (that is the story summary below).
Let’s get to all the other news.
asserted
’s → let → news
Our new foreign and trade policy is basically to rename things America, as punishment.
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policy → rename → punishment
That’s what Donald J. Trump is threatening to do to Canada if they don’t agree to our trade terms.
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they → ’ → terms
You like your little Lake Ontario?
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You → like → Ontario
You think that’s nice?
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that → think → ?
The president announced on Truth Social: “The United States is giving serious consideration to changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America in that we don’t expect to be doing much business with Ontario any longer.”
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we → announce → Ontario
We punish other nations by calling their waters America.
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We → punish → waters
It’s like schoolyard bully colonialism.
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It → ’ → colonialism
In late-breaking news, he went and did it:
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he → break → it
I think we just bring back old-fashioned colonialism and take Canada, a failed state, and keep the name Ontario, or Muskoka, or whatever funny words they use up there as a courtesy.
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they → think → courtesy
It’s not enough to call it America and overlay funny text when you can make it America.
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it → ’ → text
But Trump is too busy posting a ranking of past presidents with himself at the top as The Greatest.
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Trump → post → Greatest
Anyway, another reason to invade Canada: the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) has issued new guidelines for how to report on September 11th.
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Corporation → invade → 11th
The hijackings led to passenger jet crashes in Washington, D.C., Pennsylvania, and Manhattan.
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hijackings → lead → Washington
The World Trade Center (WTC in second reference) was destroyed.”
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Center → destroy → reference
The memo was reportedly authored by Basem Boshra, senior director of journalistic standards and public trust at CBC News.
uncertain
memo → author → News
“The hijackings led to passenger jet crashes.”
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hijackings → lead → crashes
After that, it’ll have never happened.
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it → happen → that
In the Alaska Senate race, a curious contender has arrived to defeat the incumbent Republican Dan S. Sullivan.
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contender → arrive → Sullivan
The mainstream media is pretending the whole thing is totally legit, just a funny, quirky thing.
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thing → pretend → ?
Well, to quote the excellent Election Law Blog: “When Dan J. filed his notice of candidacy, he claimed his name was ‘Dan S. Sullivan.’
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name → quote → candidacy
No explanation is given as to this ‘error,’ and the trial court characterized this as an ’understandable concern’ that was ‘quickly corrected.’ ”
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that → give → concern
So it looks like Dan J. initially tried to fake even having the same middle initial as the incumbent, seemingly with the intent to confuse voters.
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J. → look → voters
That obvious bit of trickery is rarely mentioned in the mainstream coverage, not on CNN or by the Associated Press, who like to pretend it’s just a curious coincidence of two well-meaning candidates with the same name.
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it → mention → name
You can’t throw a rock in Alaska without hitting a dozen Dan Sullivans these days!
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You → throw → Sullivans
Anyway, you have to trust these outlets when they tell you that our elections are completely secure, and produce results that represent the will of the people.
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that → have → people
Oh yeah, the fake Dan Sullivan has donated to Democrats in the last two election cycles, and he’s been working on this campaign with a Dem strategist.
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he → donate → strategist
The goal here seems to be to steal a few confused points away from the real Dan so that his challenger, the Democrat Mary Peltola, wins.
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challenger → seem → Dan
I’ve got a wild idea: If Mary Peltola is good, then you don’t need to cheat!
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you → get → idea
I’ve literally never met an interesting Dan Sullivan in my life, let alone two
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I → meet → life
I bet Mary can do it without fraud!
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Mary → bet → fraud
