The Sydney Morning Herald
· collected 2026-09-17 · by Kerri Sackville
My partner sleeps like a turtle.
asserted
partner → sleep → turtle
During the day he is a man, and sensible and friendly, but at night he withdraws into a shell.
asserted
he → withdraw → shell
He burrows into the bed, pulls the covers around his head, and disappears into a blanket.
asserted
He → burrow → blanket
He has done this for the entire course of our five-year relationship.
asserted
He → do → relationship
I had assumed that this was just the way he’s most comfortable.
asserted
he → assume → ?
Now, however, I have a different theory: I think I am the reason he is a turtle.
asserted
he → have → theory
I am in my 50s and, while no longer in the bloom of youth, I think I’m doing okay for a woman of my age.
asserted
I → think → age
I may not have the taut skin of Nicole Kidman, or the snatched waist of Jennifer Lopez, or the lustrous hair of Demi Moore, but I have wisdom, a sparkling personality, and a nice smile.
uncertain
I → have → wisdom
Unfortunately, as I have recently discovered, none of these qualities are evident when I’m sleeping.
asserted
I → discover → qualities
Recently, I saw a photo of myself taken when I was asleep.
asserted
I → see → myself
And while I hadn’t expected to look like Snow White in slumber, I certainly did not expect to look so much like her long-dead mother.
asserted
I → expect → mother
My skin looked grey, my face was slack, and my mouth hung open in a way more typically seen on people laid out on a slab in a morgue.
asserted
mouth → look → morgue
During the day I look alive, if a little bit creased.
asserted
I → look → day
At night, in my bed, I morph into a corpse.
asserted
I → morph → corpse
I’m not just unattractive.
asserted
I → ’m → ?
I sound disgusting too.
asserted
I → sound → ?
Still, I reassured myself, this is part of nature’s plan.
asserted
this → reassure → plan
The way we sleep serves an important social function.
asserted
we → sleep → function
I’ve seen plenty of movies featuring sleeping older women, and they look perfectly lovely.
asserted
they → see → women
Their faces are pink, they are breathing softly, and their hair fans out attractively on the pillow.
asserted
hair → breathe → pillow
Well, it seems the movies are lying.
asserted
movies → seem → ?
When I’m asleep, the only scene I could star in would be set in a hospital ward, with relatives gathered around me weeping.
uncertain
relatives → ’m → me
“Good lord,” I exclaimed to my partner, upon seeing the photo.
asserted
I → exclaim → photo
“Is this what I actually look like?”
asserted
I → look → what
“Oh, yes,” he said cheerily.
asserted
he → say → ?
“And the only reason I know you’re not dead is that you make weird choking noises in your throat!”
Marvellous, I thought.
asserted
I → know → throat
I’m not just unattractive.
asserted
I → ’m → ?
I sound disgusting too.
asserted
I → sound → ?
Still, I reassured myself, this is part of nature’s plan.
asserted
this → reassure → plan
The way we sleep serves an important social function.
asserted
we → sleep → function
Just think about the evolution of sleeping styles as we age.
asserted
we → think → styles
Babies look angelic when they’re unconscious, with their porcelain cheeks and tiny fists poking out of their wraps.
asserted
they → look → wraps
This ensures that their parents will remember how cute they are, even after a day of crying and vomiting and nappies.
asserted
they → ensure → crying
As toddlers, they are chaotic when they’re awake, and even more chaotic when they’re asleep.
asserted
they → ’re → toddlers
Their hair is plastered against their sweaty foreheads, their bedding is dishevelled, and their limbs are akimbo – more like drunk old men than small children.
asserted
limbs → plaster → children
This signals to their parents to get tough and seize control before they become teenagers, and time has run out.
In their tweens, kids revert to sleeping angels.
asserted
kids → signal → angels
Having spent their days dreaming of unicorns or playing for the Wallabies, they spend their nights surrounded by stuffed toys, wrapped up like a burrito.
asserted
they → spend → burrito
This reminds their exhausted parents that they’re still their babies, and stokes their resilience for what will come next.
asserted
what → remind → resilience
Because next come the eye-rolling teenage years, when kids are utterly gross while unconscious.
asserted
kids → come → ?
Between the acne patches, the strange odours, and the beds piled high with detritus, parents begin to feel ready to detach.
asserted
parents → pile → detritus
…and 13 more, not listed.
The Aporia
