The rich are, as the old saying goes, different from you and me.
asserted
saying → go → you
And not just because they have more money
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they → have → money
Take, for example, a surreal chapter in Russell Brand’s life story that involves his ex-girlfriend Jemima Goldsmith, along with a voluptuous Hungarian masseuse and an alleged heated dispute involving a white Alsatian by the name of Brian.
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that → take → Brian
The saga, which unfolded in 2014 and 2015, returned to the news pages this week amid widespread soul-searching over Brand’s use of expensive lawyers to keep awkward incidents out of the public eye.
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which → unfold → eye
Given what we now know, aspects of how it played out look very questionable indeed.
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it → give → what
At the centre of the whole thing is a ‘full-figured, curvy BBW [Big Beautiful Woman]’ therapist who undertook a two-hour car journey from her home in Wimbledon, south-west London, to Ms Goldsmith’s Cotswolds mansion, ostensibly to provide Brand with a birthday rubdown.
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who → undertake → rubdown
A long campaign of litigation then ensued, resulting in a draconian (and now hugely controversial) gagging order being issued by the High Court, preventing the therapist, who claimed that she had been assaulted by Brand, from ever again discussing her alleged experience, even with detectives.
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she → ensue → detectives
Russell Brand and Jemima Goldsmith, who dated between between 2013 and 2014, at a charity event for Palestinian refugees in London in 2014
The pair have always denied Hungarian masseuse Szilvia Berki's allegations of a heated dispute involving a white Alsatian by the name of Brian
There things would perhaps have been forgotten, were it not for Brand’s fall from grace, culminating in his conviction last week for raping one woman and sexually assaulting three others in the 2000s.
On Monday, when the comedian was jailed for ten years and six months, the whole thing became the subject of a 1,534-word social media post by Ms Goldsmith, the heiress daughter of Right-wing tycoon Sir James, seeking to correct ‘misleading reports and speculation’ about her role in the bizarre affair.
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thing → date → affair
So, what really went on?
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what → go → ?
How did a simple birthday gift go so badly wrong?
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gift → go → ?
And who, exactly, was to blame?
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who → blame → ?
Our tale begins on Friday, June 6, 2014, when a masseuse named Szilvia Berki received an email from Ms Goldsmith asking if she would be prepared to travel to Oxfordshire the following night to see a male client.
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she → begin → client
Ms Berki was at the time advertising her services on a number of internet pages, including classified site Gumtree, the beauty directory Wahanda, and a somewhat amateur homepage on the internet in which she described herself as ‘a full-figured, curvy BBW lady in my late 20ies [sic]’.
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she → advertise → [
She agreed to Ms Goldsmith’s request and a fee of £500 was negotiated.
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fee → agree → 500
Ms Goldsmith, then 40, arranged to send a car and driver to south London to pick up Ms Berki the following day and take her home after the session had concluded.
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session → arrange → her
Ms Goldsmith (pictured at the Baftas in 2023) says she is willing to vary the injunction to enable Berki to speak to the police, and maybe even the Press, about her experience
The idea, it seems, was for Brand, who’d turned 39 that week, to be given a massage as a birthday present.
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who → picture → present
On paper, other, more local, therapists would of course have charged considerably less to provide an ostensibly similar service.
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therapists → charge → service
But none had space in their diaries.
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none → have → diaries
‘She ended up Googling for an outcall local massage and Ms Berki came up, even though she was based in London,’ says an informed source.
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source → end → London
Whatever led to Ms Berki being hired, there is no suggestion that either party involved in the transaction wanted Brand to receive anything other than a standard massage.
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Brand → lead → massage
In a later interview, the Hungarian masseuse went so far as formally to deny being a sex worker, claiming: ‘People call up and they say, “I want to have a full service, I want to have a happy ending, I want to have this and that.”
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I → go → this
And this is usually when I hang up the phone on that client.’
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I → hang → client
Fast-forward to Saturday, June 7, and Ms Berki found herself crunching up the gravel outside Kiddington Hall, a nine-bedroom, 17th-century mansion built from Cotswold stone and surrounded by ornamental gardens.
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herself → forward → gardens
She recalled that Ms Goldsmith had walked up the driveway to meet her: ‘She came to the car.
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She → recall → car
She was wearing a summer dress, white, with some kind of colour on it.
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She → wear → it
She asked me if I was German because of my accent.
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I → ask → accent
Things would quickly sour, however, when Ms Berki was taken to meet Brand.
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Berki → sour → Brand
He appears to have quickly decided that he didn’t like the cut of the eastern European’s jib, because he swiftly asked her to leave.
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he → appear → her
Perhaps understandably, Ms Berki seems to have taken offence.
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Berki → seem → offence
Both sides accept that an uncomfortable discussion ensued, although memories of what exactly happened next differ.
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what → accept → ?
Ms Berki subsequently claimed things quickly became heated, resulting in her being pushed in the back by Brand, as she exited down a staircase.
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she → claim → staircase
She further alleged that she was set upon by Brian, the Alsatian, in an ‘attack’ which involved her face being licked.
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face → allege → attack
‘There is CCTV evidence showing that the dog attacked me,’ she said.
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she → be → me
Ms Goldsmith and Brand have always denied these allegations, maintaining that there was no physical contact whatsoever, and that Brand simply asked her to leave.
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Brand → deny → her
‘I was present the whole time he [Brand] was with her, and I did not see anything untoward,’ said Ms Goldsmith this week, adding that the CCTV footage of proceedings later provided to police merely ‘showed my overly exuberant but totally unaggressive dog jumping up’.
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dog → see → police
Whatever the truth, it is generally agreed that the driver then took Ms Berki home, roughly half an hour after she had arrived.
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she → agree → Berki
Ms Berki later said that Ms Goldsmith emailed to apologise politely for any misunderstanding.
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Goldsmith → say → misunderstanding
Although the agreed £500 fee was paid via bank transfer the following Monday, Ms Berki remained so upset that she eventually called the Metropolitan Police to report an allegation of assault.
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she → agree → assault
The complaint was forwarded to the Thames Valley force, who opened an investigation into ‘an alleged assault near Woodstock on June 7’.
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who → forward → June
By then, she had already emailed several newspapers seeking to bring her allegations to wider public attention.
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she → email → attention
…and 54 more, not listed.
The Aporia
