“I’ll get right to it,” said Pete Hegseth this morning, as he took to the lectern at the Pentagon briefing room the morning after impeachment articles were introduced against him by a member of his own party.
asserted
articles → get → party
And then he very much did not get right to it.
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he → get → it
What Pete did get right to, however, was certainly interesting.
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get → get → What
In a speech that lasted just over a half hour (including a couple of questions) — and to which he actually arrived on time, an unusual feat — he claimed that the impeachment is being driven by one madman, except it’s also being done by the Democrats who hate the country, except it also only happened because of the evil commie media.
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it → last → media
It’s all about the noble defenders of the republic, who just so happen to be him and Donald Trump and nobody else besides perhaps Marco Rubio (because screw JD Vance), except actually it’s about the service members who Democrats hate and want to put in prison.
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Democrats → ’ → prison
Oh, and he’s extremely anxious about the idea of having the funding cut off for his continuing war, which, anyway he already won.
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he → ’ → which
The impeachment effort driven by Republican Thomas Massie is “a personal manifesto driven by ego,” he began.
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he → drive → ego
Except it’s all in the service of a Democratic “show trial.”
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it → ’ → trial
By the way, “we’ve seen this show before” when “they” — the Democrats — “impeached President Trump over a perfect phone call.”
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they → see → call
And if he’s forced to stand alongside President Trump in that regard, Hegseth added, with a self-satisfied little smile, “I’ll take that company any day of the week.”
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I → force → week
Believe us, Pete, we know you would.
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you → believe → us
But regardless of what you’d take, I think the republic might be a little tired of the norm-flouting duo of Creatine Pete and Lame-Duck Donald.
uncertain
republic → take → Pete
Presumably conscious that the American public did just vote as though Trump was on the ballot and did so by abandoning him entirely, Hegseth quickly pivoted to a new idea: that this isn’t about him anyway.
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this → vote → him
It’s an effort by the U.S. Congress “to punish its own warriors.”
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It → ’ → warriors
“This is not patriotism — this is sabotage,” continued Pete, sounding suspiciously like he used ChatGPT to write his speech.
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he → continue → speech
And how unfair, right after Biden’s “wokeness and weakness,” right after War Daddy had instituted his world-shattering effort to ensure “peace through strength, not as a slogan but as a way of war.”
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Daddy → institute → war
I doubt many would argue that that is the only way Hegseth understands peace, but it’s a spectacularly unpopular way of defining the thing, isn’t it?
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it → doubt → thing
Those pesky polls showed us that, and even JD Vance admitted it.
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Vance → show → it
The Iran war “was only made possible by a courageous commander-in-chief,” Hegseth continued, and yes, we already know a new war only happened because of Trump.
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war → make → Trump
“History will judge the Iran war quite differently than conventional wisdom does right now,” he added, and by “conventional wisdom” he obviously meant the entire American voting public.
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he → judge → public
To underline the fact that he really doesn’t care what ordinary Americans think, he added of fearless leader Trump — with another AI-coded flourish — “He did not kick the can, he kicked their teeth in.”
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he → underline → teeth
And by the way, he added, Vietnam and the Korean War went on longer, and so has Ukraine!
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Ukraine → add → way
“The media can just never admit the military success because they — you — hate the president more than our country or our troops,” he added, seemingly forgetting that it was not “the media” who had any ability to impeach him.
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who → admit → him
More suspiciously ChatGPT-like constructions followed as he listed off his apparent achievements (Nicolas Maduro “was not kidnapped, he was brought to justice by America’s best”; America’s allies are paying more toward NATO now because it’s “out with being a burden, in with burden-sharing”.)
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it → follow → sharing
He finished off this aside by declaring “victory” in Iran for about the zillionth time, while still very much being at war with no end in sight.
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He → finish → sight
“Make no mistake about what’s happening,” he continued, licking his lips.
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he → make → lips
Oh no, the impeachment articles specifically written about Pete are definitely not about him.
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articles → write → him
They are, in fact, about “the sailors in the boats” who will go down for war crimes!
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who → go → crimes
“Put the secretary on trial today and the men and women who carried out those orders tomorrow,” he threatened.
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he → put → orders
But don’t worry — in this completely imagined scenario, “if they want to come for the warriors, they’re going to have to come through me.”
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they → worry → me
What a time for Petey to find love for the warriors, eh?
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Petey → find → warriors
Just five minutes ago, they were beardoes and weirdos, they were fat and disgusting, and they were being insulted and yelled at and purged and told to fly across continents to march for President Trump’s birthday party.
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they → insult → party
Now they can cower behind Big Daddy Pete, who is their last defender in this fine republic, while the cruel and terrible voters try to end a war and one meanie Republican says he also thinks the man who started the war should step down.
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who → cower → war
I will lay down my life to ensure that you can continue to lay down your lives in service of this forever war!
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you → lay → war
“They will criminalize the war fighters who execute lawful orders,” Hegseth added, stretching the logic right to its limit and beyond.
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Hegseth → criminalize → limit
And “like the president, I will defend them with every fiber of my being, every single day.”
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I → defend → being
Having worked himself up into a lather about this fantasy, he then addressed the troops directly: “Don’t blink!
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he → work → troops
Never Hesitate!” he said, eyes wide.
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eyes → hesitate → ?
You do real things.
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You → do → things
All of this would’ve been much more convincing if “the troops” faced any credible threat except the threat of his continued leadership.
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troops → face → leadership
…and 24 more, not listed.
The Aporia
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