It’s my job to prepare people for a loved one’s death.
asserted
It → ’ → death
Yet I felt totally unready when my own dad was dying
Surgery may have prolonged his life, but his time in the kitchen was over.
uncertain
time → feel → kitchen
Who was my dad if he couldn’t cook?
asserted
he → cook → ?
When the surgeon on-call confirmed that my dad would never recover enough independence to cook again, I felt as if all the air was sucked out of the room.
asserted
air → confirm → room
My dad, whose health had been declining for years, was admitted to hospital a few days earlier after falling at home.
asserted
health → decline → home
While the prognosis from the fall wasn’t good and doctors said he would certainly lose more mobility, my earlier conversations with his doctors had focused on recovery.
asserted
conversations → say → recovery
Things took a sharp and unexpected turn when my dad began complaining of severe abdominal pain and an urgent scan revealed he likely had a perforated bowel.
The surgeon said my dad would die without surgery.
asserted
dad → take → surgery
He would almost certainly have major complications.
asserted
He → have → complications
The chance he would ever regain his previous level of independence — and do the things he loved, like cooking — were zero.
asserted
he → regain → cooking
Richard, left, in the kitchen with his grandchildren — Simon Fisher, centre, and Nora Fisher, right — making cookies.
asserted
Richard → make → cookies
My dad was unconscious so the decision of whether to do surgery fell to me.
asserted
decision → fall → me
As I absorbed the information, I asked myself, who was my dad if he couldn’t cook?
asserted
he → absorb → myself
As far back as my memory goes, my dad was always cooking.
asserted
dad → go → ?
Growing up, our house overflowed with pies, homemade pickles, soups and stews.
asserted
house → grow → pies
No visitor left without a doggy bag.
asserted
visitor → leave → bag
Krechowicz says her dad's love language was food, and he always carved the turkey for their family on Thanksgiving.
asserted
he → say → Thanksgiving
Once grandkids came along, his entire reason for living became cooking for them.
asserted
reason → come → them
For him, there was no joy sweeter than watching his grandkids, particularly my 10-year-old son who has heart disease and struggles to gain weight, devour his food.
asserted
who → be → food
(Submitted by Regine Krechowicz)
When my dad had his dominant hand amputated in 2022 due to cancer, he was already using a wheelchair due to complications from his genetic kidney disease, and we worried his cooking days were over.
Through sheer grit, he adapted their kitchen and not only got back to making soups and muffins but even managed to carve the turkey the following Thanksgiving.
Even after his hand was amputated, Regine's dad, Richard, continued to make zurek, his favourite Polish sour rye soup, for Easter.
asserted
dad → submit → Easter
The soup featured kielbasa sausage his own father had been famous for selling at the family deli they used to run in their hometown of Oshawa, Ont.
asserted
they → feature → Oshawa
Making a decision for dad
As I stood by his hospital bed, struggling to make the decision, I pictured my dad in the kitchen and felt surprisingly unprepared.
asserted
I → make → kitchen
I am a palliative care physician, whose job involves supporting patients and families making medical decisions in exactly these types of impossible moments.
asserted
job → involve → moments
I help families focus on their loved ones’ values and what makes life worth living.
asserted
life → help → values
But, I didn’t appreciate just how difficult decision-making could be until I was in this position with my dad.
uncertain
I → appreciate → dad
Before my dad's abdominal pain started, my mom and eldest sister were on a vacation in Central America.
asserted
mom → start → America
They were on a flight home and unreachable when the situation became life threatening for my dad.
asserted
situation → become → dad
I was finally able to speak with my mom when she landed, but all the critical information I suddenly relayed was overwhelming for her.
asserted
I → speak → her
Her focus became getting back from the Toronto airport to Ottawa in a snowstorm.
asserted
focus → become → snowstorm
My middle sister was bedridden with influenza and couldn’t be part of decision-making.
asserted
sister → bedridden → making
As a close family, I never imagined facing a difficult decision without my mom and sisters by my side, but there we were.
asserted
we → imagine → side
I had tried talking to my dad about his wishes many times but he was reluctant.
asserted
he → try → wishes
Like many people, he was afraid of dying.
asserted
he → die → people
I learned the most when two years ago, I slyly asked if he would role play as a patient while I “practiced” using a conversation guide about values I use to teach residents.
asserted
I → learn → residents
During that conversation, he told me directly he would not want to continue life if it meant losing more independence, particularly if he lost the ability to cook.
asserted
he → tell → ability
Despite remembering this conversation, the emotional pull towards trying to keep him alive was incredibly strong.
asserted
pull → remember → him
It wasn’t until I said out loud to the surgeon — "for my dad, life without cooking would not be worth living" — that the right decision became heartbreakingly clear.
asserted
decision → say → cooking
The best-case scenario with surgery may have left my dad alive but never again truly living.
uncertain
scenario → leave → dad
I struggled through the paralyzing sadness of saying no to surgery.
asserted
I → struggle → surgery
(Submitted by Regine Krechowicz)
Eleven hours after he started having pain, my dad died, holding on just long enough for my mom and eldest sister to arrive for his last breaths.
asserted
mom → submit → breaths
Now, almost a year later, my dad’s legacy for me is not just the mix of joy and sadness I feel whenever I cook.
asserted
I → feel → joy
…and 6 more, not listed.
The Aporia
