When Canada’s first Cheesecake Factory restaurant opened at Yorkdale mall in 2017, I was there with bells on.
asserted
bells → open → 2017
I didn’t know a lot about the American eatery, beyond the fact that it was mentioned in a Drake song (“Child’s Play”) and that the menu was supposed to be as thick as some old Russian novel.
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menu → know → novel
Here was the whole broad-swath of American culinary imperialism, barely condensed into a faux-leather-bound menu that weighed as much as a human head.
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that → condense → head
Now, the Cheesecake Factory is in the middle of one of the stupidest — and that’s saying something! — U.S. political controversies since, oh I don’t know … maybe a month ago.
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I → say → controversies
It began about a week ago, when former president Barack Obama was hitting the campaign trail to boost Democrats in advance of the upcoming midterms.
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Obama → begin → midterms
Obama was mocking Trump’s rococo White House renovations, during a rally in the battleground state of Ohio, when he cracked that, “He’s got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened up a Cheesecake Factory.”
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Hussein → mock → Factory
No wonder the Dems have been dubbing Obama their “closer-in-chief.”
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Dems → dub → chief
And predictably, it triggered Republicans and Trump boosters.
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it → trigger → Republicans
As if on cue, Trump sycophants flocked to their local Cheesecake Factory locations, posing for publicity photos.
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sycophants → flock → photos
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent rolled out to a location, posing for media (with secret service detail visible in the background), and encouraging “the Martha’s Vineyard set to give it a try” (a nod to Obama’s post-Presidential wealth, coming from a guy who his himself worth hundred of millions of dollars).
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who → roll → dollars
Some MAGA influencers were even caught lying about the Cheesecake Factory being a family-friendly dining location they frequented as kids.
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they → catch → kids
Their line of counterattack was simple: the Cheesecake Factory is a Great American Restaurant, and that Obama and other Dems were just showing how woefully out-of-touch they are by making fun of it, and people who stoop to eating there.
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who → show → it
But here’s the thing: that wasn’t the joke, at all.
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that → ’ → ?
The joke was that Trump had embraced the restaurant’s patented overblown interior design.
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Trump → embrace → design
And that he was doing so by way of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, whose lavish palaces were renowned for their own extremely, let’s say, “flamboyant” flourishes.
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’s → do → flourishes
That was it: that Trump’s aesthetic sensibility was basically that of a Middle Eastern dictator crossed with a Glamburger® restaurant.
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sensibility → cross → restaurant
It had nothing to do with whether or not the Cheesecake Factory’s scratch-made vittles taste any good, which I admit they mostly do.
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they → have → which
The Republicans’ push to close ranks around a dumb campaign joke is pretty telling.
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push → close → joke
In an election cycle dominated by talk about the Iran War, support for Israel, and the ballooning cost of living, they’d rather pivot to some old-school culture war nonsense about which restaurants are good or bad.
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restaurants → dominate → nonsense
But here’s another thing: I get why the Republicans do that.
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Republicans → ’ → that
They do it because it sometimes works.
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it → do → it
And a lot of Americans — especially on the Trump-boosting right — do appreciate the sort of garish, gold-leaf-gilded designs of the Cheesecake Factory, or the Trump White House.
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lot → boost → Factory
For a lot of people in the U.S., the absolute marker of upward mobility is making enough that you can move into a suburban McMansion with interior design and upholstery flourishes that evoke the house from “The Sopranos.”
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that → make → Sopranos
That’s “making it.”
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That → make → it
That’s class.
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That → ’ → ?
(Admittedly, a lot of Canadians also share this godawful design philosophy, if you can even call it that.)
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you → share → it
Perhaps Obama’s joke is enough to turn the tide.
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joke → turn → tide
But I don’t think so.
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I → think → ?
I’m old enough to remember two years ago, when everyone — myself included — thought some nasty crack by the rat-faced standup Tony Hinchcliffe would sink the chances of Trump’s reelection.
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crack → ’m → reelection
Suffice to say, it didn’t really shake out that way.
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it → suffice → ?
Despite the best efforts of politicians to rile Americans up about Glamburger® eatery quips, it seems like a vast swath of voting-age adults can still take a joke.
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swath → rile → joke
The Aporia
