Endurance sports are having a moment.
asserted
sports → have → moment
In North America, ultramarathon finishes have roughly tripled since 2010, exceeding 150,000 runners last year, according to UltraRunning magazine.
uncertain
finishes → triple → magazine
I understand the appeal.
asserted
I → understand → appeal
I spent years competing in some of the world’s most difficult endurance races, finding satisfaction and eventually a professional career in seeing how far I could push myself.
uncertain
I → spend → myself
But as more runners test their limits, I hope they’ll also ask themselves what they need those achievements to prove.
asserted
achievements → test → themselves
For me, winning became a way to feel worthy of love.
asserted
winning → become → love
Every finish line offered reassurance that lasted only until I started worrying about the next race.
asserted
I → offer → race
It took losing my professional running career to understand why I needed that reassurance so badly.
asserted
I → take → reassurance
The story began long before I laced up a pair of shoes and entered a race.
asserted
I → begin → race
Divorce and my parents’ own troubled upbringings made my childhood difficult.
asserted
childhood → make → ?
As an adult, I can now see that my parents were unable to provide the safe, nurturing, and stable environment a kid deserves.
asserted
kid → see → environment
My young mind came to a conclusion that many children do: I must not be good enough the way that I am.
asserted
I → come → that
Love, attention, and care, I believed, were all things that you had to earn.
asserted
you → believe → that
As a teenager, I was desperate for the attention I rarely received at home.
asserted
I → receive → home
My grades were good, but not scholarship level; I was on the cross-country team and acted in school plays, but was never the standout star in either.
asserted
I → act → either
Despite my best efforts, nothing worked.
asserted
nothing → work → efforts
That is, until I found success in ultrarunning.
asserted
I → find → ultrarunning
At 15 years old, I watched my mother train and complete her first marathon.
asserted
mother → watch → marathon
I was mesmerized.
asserted
I → mesmerize → ?
Maybe I could win her affection by doing what I’d seen her do.
uncertain
her → win → what
Later that year, I crossed the finish line of the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon.
asserted
I → cross → Marathon
I loved the challenge, but I wanted more.
asserted
I → love → more
Within a few years, I was running my first 50-mile ultramarathon.
asserted
I → run → ultramarathon
As part of my senior project, I pledged to run 100 miles around my high school track while fundraising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in honor of a friend who was battling cancer.
asserted
who → pledge → cancer
The ensuing media coverage was much more than I expected.
asserted
I → ensue → ?
To be honest, I loved the attention.
asserted
I → love → attention
Suddenly I felt seen by my mom.
asserted
I → see → mom
Again, I wanted more.
asserted
I → want → more
At 19, I finished Badwater, a 135-mile race across Death Valley in July.
asserted
I → finish → July
A year later, I flew out to Minnesota and completed the Arrowhead 135, in which I pulled a sled across the frozen landscape for nearly 54 hours.
asserted
I → fly → hours
By age 20, I had attempted the Barkley Marathons for the first time, a race so difficult that in its 40-year history, only 20 people had ever officially finished.
asserted
people → attempt → history
It would take me two more attempts navigating heinous trails through the hillsides of Tennessee to ultimately finish the race in 2013, becoming finisher 13.
asserted
It → take → 2013
Soon I was flying across the world, competing in 200-mile races, and living the life of a professional trail runner.
asserted
I → fly → runner
It was everything I could have hoped for: the attention, the praise, the pre-race interviews, and the post-race adulation.
uncertain
I → hop → ?
And yet a part of me knew that if I didn’t win every race I entered, the worthlessness that I’d kept at bay for so long would drown me.
asserted
I → know → me
In 2018, that tidal wave finally came crashing over me.
asserted
wave → come → me
I had been diagnosed with a congenital bicuspid valve in my heart, and the resulting aortic aneurysm meant open-heart surgery.
asserted
aneurysm → diagnose → surgery
Just like that, my professional running career was over, and with it went my path to validation.
asserted
path → go → validation
I had lived my whole life up to that point working for my worth; it was never inherent.
asserted
it → live → worth
If I couldn’t achieve results, who was I?
asserted
I → achieve → results
…and 28 more, not listed.
The Aporia
