Using history as a guide, next month somebody will likely announce their candidacy for the US presidency, kicking off a long, exhausting, two-year race to the White House.
asserted
somebody → use → House
But that election cycle will be a brisk and happy stroll compared to the never-ending slog to find the actor who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond.
asserted
who → compare → Bond
I’m so sick of it.
asserted
I → ’m → it
I couldn’t believe the headlines this week — that sources told the trades that the final four contenders are Callum Turner, Josh O’Connor, Jack Lowden and possibly Jacob Elordi.
uncertain
contenders → believe → trades
“No Time To Die” was released five years agothis month.
asserted
Time → die → ?
You mean to tell me it took half a decade to winnow the field to the same three British men and one Aussie who are already in everything?
asserted
who → mean → everything
It’s required this much time to land on such bland and disappointing candidates?
asserted
It → require → candidates
Hey — you know what that sounds like?!
asserted
that → know → what
The delay and rumored result almost makes you root for Blofeld.
asserted
you → rumor → Blofeld
I wanna angrily rip off my bowler hat and whip it at a statue in disgust, or grind my steel teeth on a structurally important wire.
asserted
I → rip → wire
The iconic 64-year-old franchise has dangerously toyed with the thin line between building anticipation and totally alienating the public.
asserted
franchise → toy → public
Bond has always wisely kept a royal-family-like “never complain, never explain” mystique that the ridiculous search has completely blown up.
asserted
search → keep → mystique
MGM has waited so long and has been so precious over the choice that I question if Gen. Z has any connection to 007 whatsoever.
asserted
Z → wait → 007
When the last film came out, the oldest member of that cohort, the dominant moviegoing demographic today, was 24; the youngest, 14.
asserted
youngest → come → cohort
And the public wasn’t really schlepping.
asserted
public → schleppe → ?
to the cineplex a lot back in 2021, so I imagine the youth stayed home scrolling TikTok.
asserted
youth → imagine → TikTok
To them, James Bond is practically a myth, like smoking on airplanes or watching TV shows at designated days and times.
And the longer the rest of us live without 007, the more we wonder if the series needs to continue at all.
asserted
series → smoke → 007
The list of floated names since 2021 has included just about every British man alive, from mailmen on up.
asserted
list → float → mailmen
Idris Elba was mentioned constantly until one day when everyone awoke to realize he’s over 50.
asserted
he → mention → 50
Somehow Henry Cavill hoodwinked the world until thinking someone could play Superman and Bond.
uncertain
someone → hoodwink → Superman
Then two years ago, things started to get serious.
asserted
things → start → ?
Remember when Aaron Taylor-Johnson was reportedly offered the role in 2024?
uncertain
Johnson → remember → 2024
That, obviously, turned out to be a great big “Dewey Defeats Truman.
asserted
Dewey → turn → Truman
”
And now supposedly we’re at the final stretch, but the theme song from “Chariots of Fire” ain’t playing.
asserted
song → ’re → Fire
What I hear instead is Louis Armstrong’s “We’ve Got All The Time In The World” from “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”
asserted
We → hear → Service
Somehow the last men standing are, according to the trades, Prince Charles from “The Crown,” Heathcliff, a “Slow Horses” MI5 agent and Dua Lipa’s boyfriend.
uncertain
men → stand → Crown
I recognize that there have been corporate changes along the way.
asserted
I → recognize → way
Amazon bought creative control of the franchise from the Broccoli family last year for $1 billion.
asserted
Amazon → buy → billion
Perhaps in an attempt to reassure the public they wouldn’t run another beloved franchise into the ground after the horrific “Rings of Power,” Jeff Bezos and Co. hired respected “Dune” director Denis Villeneuve and then “Game of Thrones” casting director Nina Gold.
asserted
Bezos → reassure → Thrones
They’ve walked the path of careful predictability, lest they rock the Aston Martin.
asserted
they → walk → Martin
And sources have insisted the big announcement will come by the end of the year, and that they’ll pick an actor willing to commit to appearing in several movies.
asserted
they → insist → movies
If all goes well, production will begin in 2027 and “Bond 22” will be released in late 2028 — just in time for the presidential election.
asserted
Bond → go → election
The Aporia
