Dear Vanessa,
I'm 58 and was widowed several years ago.
asserted
I → widow → ?
My late husband had a substantial life insurance policy, which means I'm financially secure.
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I → have → policy
I'm grateful for that, but I've also worked hard and managed my money carefully.
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I → work → money
I've started dating again and, to my surprise, I'm enjoying it.
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I → start → it
I'd like to believe I could find love again, but I'm cautious.
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I → like → love
The man I've been seeing for a few months recently asked how much money I had and what my retirement plans were.
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plans → see → money
I told him I wasn't ready to discuss exact figures.
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I → tell → figures
He said that if we were serious about each other, there shouldn't be secrets between us.
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we → say → us
I don't want to be suspicious of everyone I meet, but I worry that knowing about the insurance money could change how he sees me - or make him think of me as a way to solve his own financial problems.
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him → want → problems
I'm a romantic at heart, but I also want to protect the life my husband and I built.
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husband → want → life
When is it reasonable to keep money private, and when does privacy become a lack of trust?
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privacy → keep → trust
Being cautious doesn't mean you're cynical, and wanting companionship doesn't mean you have to disclose your financial position before you're ready.
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you → mean → position
Money educator Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) gives advice to a 58-year-old widow who has just started dating again and is worried about disclosing the life insurance payout she received
A substantial life insurance payout can bring security, but it can also make you feel exposed when you begin dating.
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you → picture → security
You may wonder whether a new person is interested in you for who you are, or for what they think you have.
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you → wonder → what
You don't need to ignore that concern, but you also don't need to assume it's true of everyone you meet.
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you → need → everyone
After a few months of dating, you can talk about your values and hopes for the future without giving an account of your savings.
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you → date → savings
You might say: 'I'm financially secure and comfortable managing my own money.
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I → say → money
I'm happy to talk about what we each want from life, but I'm not ready to share exact figures.'
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I → talk → figures
That is honest, while still giving you a boundary.
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That → give → boundary
His response matters.
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response → matter → ?
Someone who respects your pace is showing you that they can hear a boundary.
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they → respect → boundary
If he keeps pressing, makes you feel guilty, asks for money or suggests that your security should solve his problems, take that seriously.
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security → keep → that
You are allowed to slow things down and learn more about him before you make any financial commitments.
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you → allow → commitments
If the relationship deepens, honesty becomes essential before you make decisions that affect both of you.
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that → deepen → you
You don't have to share everything on a first date, but neither of you should be making major decisions based on assumptions.
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neither → have → assumptions
You could also get independent advice about how to protect your financial position as your life changes.
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life → get → position
A financial adviser can help you understand your options, you can find one here.
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you → help → one
You deserve to enjoy the possibility of love again.
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You → deserve → love
Give the relationship room to grow, and let trust build through what he does over time.
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he → give → time
Protecting your security and opening your heart don't have to be opposite choices.
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Protecting → protect → heart
All the best,
Vanessa
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You → subscribe → newsletter
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