I know that for millions of readers of this great newspaper, the following admission will seem utterly feeble – bursting as you all are with the can-do stiff-upper-lip British spirit of endurance that sent Scott to the Antarctic.
asserted
that → know → Antarctic
I accept that most of you would not dream of acknowledging the turn of the seasons with any more indoor protection than perhaps an extra sweater, or bed-socks, or – if really pushed – a hot-water bottle in bed, come January.
asserted
January → accept → bed
So it is with the scouring candour which is the hallmark of this column that I have to confess we in the Johnson household have yielded to temptation.
asserted
we → scour → temptation
We have capitulated to modern luxury.
asserted
We → capitulate → luxury
In the last couple of weeks, it has become so perceptibly nippy in this part of Oxfordshire that I have actually turned on the central heating.
asserted
I → become → heating
I know: I can almost hear the contemptuous guffaws in hardier homes.
asserted
I → know → homes
But I look at it this way: if the alternative is a load of kids with those streaming and radioactive colds that endlessly recirculate, and metastasise, and which end up sending the grown-ups to hospital, then I would rather live with my conscience and have the radiators chucking it out.
asserted
radiators → look → it
I would rather cope with my eco-guilt, and have the boiler burning through the hydrocarbons, and sending plumes of steam to the heavens, than have people getting ill and blaming me.
asserted
people → cope → me
So that was my approach – to fight down my natural scruples about the overall temperature of the planet – until Wednesday of this week, when I got back from a short trip to New York to find the whole brand-new system was apparently kaput.
asserted
system → fight → York
You instinctively know the difference between a boiler that is working and not working – it’s like the difference between a sheep and the carcass of a sheep.
asserted
it → know → sheep
The soul has gone out of it.
asserted
soul → go → it
The life force had vanished from my top-dollar Vaillant boiler, and I couldn’t begin to see why.
asserted
I → vanish → boiler
I checked the snazzy Honeywell doodah on the wall, and it seemed to be functioning perfectly.
asserted
it → check → wall
I had to stand for hours in front of that boiler, sending photo after photo to ChatGPT – but I enjoyed it, writes our columnist Boris Johnson
asserted
Johnson → have → it
The little green light was on, confirming that it was asking the boiler for heat.
asserted
it → confirm → heat
I checked the thermostat on the wall – and it was set for about 23C, so that wasn’t the problem.
asserted
that → check → 23C
It was getting colder and colder, and people were looking at me inquiringly and then reproachfully because the job of actually bringing heat to the dwelling is one of the very few exclusively male areas of domestic responsibility, and probably has been ever since the Palaeolithic.
asserted
job → get → Palaeolithic
I slapped the boiler, ruminatively.
asserted
I → slap → boiler
This sometimes works, in my experience, but nothing came of it.
asserted
nothing → work → it
I then pressed the electronic console on the front, and all sorts of incomprehensible icons appeared.
asserted
sorts → press → icons
Was that meant to be a flame?
asserted
that → mean → ?
Time was passing.
asserted
Time → pass → ?
I had to get it started and I knew from being in this position, many times before, how things would end up.
asserted
things → have → position
After an exhausting search for someone to help, I would find a nice and intelligent plumber, who would try to talk me through the problem over the phone; to no avail.
asserted
who → help → avail
In the end we would admit defeat, and some time much later – perhaps the following day – he would be persuaded to come out to my shivering address and fix the boiler, in return for a king’s ransom.
asserted
he → admit → ransom
That was the humiliation I was facing, yet again, when I suddenly had an idea.
asserted
I → face → idea
Do you use ChatGPT, or any other kind of AI?
asserted
you → use → AI
Oh, come off it – we all do.
asserted
we → come → it
We use AI to check facts, or organise holidays, or write speeches (well, I don’t; but I have heard a few speeches recently that were so perfectly judged and so perfectly bland they could only have been produced by a machine).
uncertain
they → use → machine
We know AI is therefore going to winnow the bourgeois professions like a howling tornado.
asserted
AI → know → tornado
In fact, I see Barclays Bank is announcing huge profits and big job losses, 5,000 gone, as it embraces the technology.
asserted
it → see → technology
But we have hitherto assumed there are some careers that will always be immune to the advance of the bots.
asserted
that → assume → bots
Some jobs, we have reasoned, are just too hands-on.
asserted
we → reason → ?
You will never get AI to tile your bathroom, or plaster your ceiling, or pollard your trees.
asserted
AI → get → trees
Some professions require physical skill – manual dexterity and strength – way beyond the ability of the most sophisticated machine.
asserted
professions → require → machine
I mean, you will never get ChatGPT to replace a plumber, will you?
asserted
you → mean → plumber
Listen, friends, to the astonishing climax of my heating nightmare, because it has vast implications.
asserted
it → listen → implications
I won’t say it was quick.
asserted
it → say → ?
I had to stand for hours in front of that boiler, sending photo after photo to ChatGPT.
asserted
I → have → ChatGPT
But you know what, I enjoyed it.
asserted
I → know → it
…and 16 more, not listed.
The Aporia
